Good Busy, Weird Week

Family came in from out of town this week. It’s the easiest way to explain it. I concede my bed for the air mattress, privacy is reduced to the bathroom walls and solitude is only found briefly.

Today She posted to Instagram, the first time She had since I clicked that Follow button. Wow, she’s beautiful, first off. I got that instance chill down my whole back and into my legs when I saw Her selfie. I love that face.

I didn’t even since the whole photo, just the notification — I didn’t think I had setup Instagram to give me notifications when She posted, in fact, I’m positive I didn’t — only clicked follow — but somehow it knew it ought to pop up a notification.

I have continue to write to her, jotting down some words here and there and thinking about my feelings. I even started to read back what I had written in my notebook to her… but it’s difficult. Especially with people all around (even now, I write this stealthily in the living room — I’d go outside but the damn mosquitoes would eat me up).

Sunday night ended up being quite strange. Working on projects and then some fooling around I thought wouldn’t happen because there were two girls there who would never allow it… funny how that works out.

It didn’t go too far but more than I had wanted. I hate being such a fickle creature, subject to the desires of humanity. Everyone wants you to live in the moment but sometimes the moment is fooling around with two attractive women.

And She is still there in my mind and heart.

One of my closest friend’s ended up telling me, much later that same day — after we hadn’t slept much at all and had a bit of a breakdown across the board — that she had sent a message to Her. They had a conversation on FB.

I was depleted, exhausted so I struggle to remember everything she told me about Her in a conversation that wasn’t even supposed to be about Her. I know She claimed not to be mad (bullshit) and just very disappointed in me. And that I was way out of their league (probably true, and then some) and she called me materialistic.

Which, of course, hurt the worst. What a weird claim to begin with. I’m far from it and it was never a point of contention in our relationship (other than, perhaps, my strong desire to want to be able to take care of Her).

It was surreal. I have been avoiding talking about Her with this particular friend because it annoys her.

I’m an idiot. She is going to tear me apart but fine. I need to do that, still, to feel right. What’s the fucking hold up?

Well, I’ve already written a conclusion — but I typed it and I think I want something different, perhaps, and I’m concerned it won’t fit when I hand-write it — there are also some photos I want to include that aren’t printed. I’m a little broke (completely) right now so getting digital photos printed is extra challenging.

And to deal with any of those things, while busy entertaining our visitors or working on a big project that She helped inspire me to take on or another project that must be completed by mid-August… not to mention making money.

I don’t want to go up to Her and be like, “Hey, yeah, I’m completely in love with you and completely broke and clueless….” — which is probably going to happen anyway because I don’t see how I fix everything before I speak to Her unless I want to wait a year. There’s just too much to do.

So. The heat is getting to me.

I added her on Snapchat today, I know she won’t add me and I won’t be able to see anything. I just wanted to get her attention a little bit. I’m going to have to call her again soon.