love is real

it’s been ringing in my ears for the past few weeks. It’s a fundamental point of disagreement. She has said numerous times it doesn’t exist, she has said she wasn’t sure if she was in love with me, she has said she wasn’t in love with me and that doesn’t make her a villain. All of that within the course of a single day, at one point.

She is

932 hours 42 minutes. I gave her those letters. I started the timer. I had started writing this post this morning and was interrupted by a phone call. My friend and I talked some. She discouraged me from spending too much time thinking about Her but whatever…

We did some work. Hopefully earning some cash.

And then I got out, started getting ready for this final thing I want to do for Her and I took a shower and in the artificial rain I gained a clarity.

I don’t want Her back. She’s in a place where it’d be the worst for her to come back to me. She couldn’t come back to me, she’s compromised her own ideals and well-being to even choose me.

I love her, I want her in my life but us as a couple right now would be a mistake. I’m desperate for her touch but more desperate for her soul to heal. She’s known since February she shouldn’t be with this guy and she has stayed.

She hasn’t stayed because she’s in love or because she thinks he’s a great guy. She’s staying because she’s made a mental calculation that a life with him, even if he’s telling her what to do, is better than any of the alternatives.

I have nothing to offer in comparison (well, just love but she can’t live with me, so she’d be thrust back into a terrible environment). So better to stay with him and receive all the benefits than risk change.

It just became so clear. She’s very obviously not in love, she’s very obviously frustrated with not being able to choose what she wants and since February she hasn’t been able to connect with him like she can with me.

But connection don’t feed you, pay the bills or — when you’ve grown up seeing nothing but bad things — take care of you. It is unreliable.

And if she choose me now? While in that state? It’d be for all the wrong reasons. She first has to believe love is real before she can actually enjoy it. If you believe it doesn’t exist then you’re left calculating and pretending. Relationships become a mathematical equation wherein you must derive the most gain because there is no such thing as love or joy or happiness or any of that shit.

It’s just dancing around in hell till you are free.

If you believe that, then you take actions to reaffirm that. You fulfill your own prophecy.

And I wish I were Her friend and could be there and show Her that isn’t so but I’m just the guy who fell in love with Her. I’m too selfish to help Her and most importantly, She doesn’t want help.

I would do anything for this woman. I’d fucking do anything. Anything. And right now it means I let go completely and hope She comes to the truth on Her own. Right now, I’m getting in the way. I’m just another “problem” or “dumb guy” or whatever.

I know we fit, I know we’d work really well-together because we could help each other see when we got tunnel vision. We could encourage when discouraged. We could have the sort of faith in one another that drives us to succeed. We’d just be damn awesome together. Like an unimaginable power team conquering everything we set our mind to.

But we can’t get there from here.

I cannot express the totality of my love; the despair in letting go; the hope she listens to her own voice and not the voices that have led her to this place. I cannot believe it took so long or that I missed opportunities where I might have been able to help her, where I might have really saved her from this place. I cannot keep her. I cannot save her. I cannot protect her.

And it’s going to take a while to forgive myself for making this mistake over and over again. Letting go last November, never committing to what I wanted (her and more with her). It’s going to take a while to get over not pressing when she spoke to me in February. And it’ll take a while to forgive her for making this huge mistake.

I’m the way better guy, she should belong to me. Absolutely, no questions asked. I should belong to her and we should get to work on making the best life together possible — and it’d be a damn amazing one.

That dream, that is what I want and I’m pissed I don’t get it with Her. I’m pissed I screwed it up and she couldn’t forgive me so we could get back together and make things right.

She gave me a clarity of focus. She made things so damn clear, she made every minute vital and I knew how to spend them.

I’m going to find that again, not with her (and she’s a fool for not choosing me) but I will find it.

I cannot change the structure of love, of feelings, of human beings, of fear. I can only recognize it and do my best to influence those things within my control. I can build a life that allows me to say, “Yes” the next time I meet a woman who is this amazing.

There’s clarity.

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