“Oh fuck you.”
Before she slammed the door on me.
She had spat it with total disdain.
I can only imagine the eye roll that accompanied it.
I had, in a light-hearted manner wished her well with her new guy and she didn’t appreciate my manner.
A week before she had let me hold her and keep her close but now. Now she knew she had her Prince Charming and he had her.
Literally, the marks on her neck were noticeable and when I asked, “Was it good?” she was instantly transported to an obviously good moment. She retorted, “I left a big black mark on his neck.”
Clearly, everything had changed. Her whole perspective was that of someone who was busy rewriting the history of a relationship to fit her new found world.
We do it throughout our lives. I’ve seen it in friends, in family, in myself, even… something happens and we retroactively change our opinion on certain interactions.
Who needs objectivity when love is at stake?
She regretted what had happened; she was disappointed in herself for the physical interactions we had… some of our best moments together were now viewed in the light of her new lover.
Put more simply, she wished she could have had sex with him first… With Prince Charming and she was disappointed she had allowed herself to be with me in that way (multiple times… multiple days).
It was such a blow — not her having sex with him or even enjoying it more — but that she’d feel such a need to shit on our experiences.
More importantly, if she is claiming that she “didn’t have the strength” or that she was disappointed in herself for being unable to do “what was right.” Then the only logical outcome is that she knew she wasn’t in love with me, didn’t care about me as deeply but still partook the more delicious interactions.
It means the day we spent wrapped up in eachothers’ arms, confessing dark secrets and awful fears was not a true meeting of minds but a calculated engagement.
I’m not sure which to believe, the new her or the old her.
What isn’t left unclear is how she feels: Even if she’s lying to herself about how she felt then, it’s clear she doesn’t want to acknowledge anything good about our relationship now. If she’s being honest, then she really was just using me until something better came along — making compromises in her own moral code in order to keep me attached to her.
There’s no in between. Either she meant it or she didn’t. Either way, to change it now, after-the-fact, means she doesn’t even want to consider those feelings of loyalty she may have felt for me at one point.
She was done with me and she wanted it to be clear. I was a big mistake in her life.
I fell in love with you and now all I am is a mistake?
I was good enough to hold and touch right up until the point you had sex with a new guy? How am I supposed to feel about that? How am I supposed to feel like you truly cared about me at any point if that’s how it ends?
She was cold, distant and harsh. It was unexpected but necessary.
I don’t plan on seeing her again. Nor do I plan on talking about her with people unless it’s to figure out something I don’t get.
I wrote her a long rant via Facebook as I walked away from her house and waited for the bus. I was angry. Very angry. She was shitting all over what we had, all over what I had done for her as if it counted for nothing.
She went out of her way to say Prince Charming was her priority — as if it weren’t obvious — and that she’d spend every waking moment on him if she could.
“Acquaintance,” was how she described our new relationship. We could be acquaintances who interacted in public, group situations. I laughed as I explained that’s what “cut you out of my life,” meant.
She disagreed saying it meant she wouldn’t speak to me at all but that’s a high school view point. The effect is the same; you aren’t friends, you’re people in the same area for a limited amount of time who need to get along.
It was a major change in her perspective she hadn’t mentioned and I was glad she could articulate it now.
“I’m not going to claim you don’t care about me. That’d be stupid because you obviously do but …” but not enough to matter?
This trip, we hadn’t touched at all. The distance was wide.
How much changed within that week. Thanksgiving. Ha. No thanks given to me, no, I’m not thankful for these changes, for the loss. No.
She was so harsh as we had sat there waiting for the bus. Viciously recasting our interactions, our relationship, her choices. Now instead of a strong woman who made decisions on her own (as she had insisted throughout and I had believed). Now she wasn’t strong enough to do what she really wanted.
What a bunch of shit.
She was bullshitting me and I could feel it.
Which way, though? Which was the truth? I don’t know. Truly. I would like to assume she was telling the truth then and she knew what she was doing only to want to recast her feelings as impure because she wants to give Prince Charming all the attention. But I’m biased, aren’t I?
If you loved me, as you claimed, and if you were strong, as you claimed, and if you knew what you wanted, as you claimed, and if you were interested in being mine, as you claimed… then I wasn’t a mistake.
If all of that is true, I cannot have been a mistake until you changed your mind about one of those.
And if you changed your mind… that’s not a mistake, that’s just a new desire, unless you aren’t being honest with yourself. You can’t go buy ice cream, declaring you are strong and know exactly what you want, dive into it, eating most of it, devouring the sprinkles to the lowest chocolate-chips and then say, “oh, that was a mistake” unless you lack self-control or self-awareness.
But then your mistake wasn’t the ice-cream, it was your arrogance.
And if that’s so… I’m not her mistake, her mistake was believing she knew herself so well, which was my concern from the beginning. That she didn’t know herself as well as she thought and she would get bored with me or meet some more interesting guy and move on.
Enter Prince Charming.
She played her new hand very hard and in turn revealed the possibility that I was right all along.
I would be committed to her; she wouldn’t be to me.
I don’t think this is a difficult premise. It seems fairly obvious now that she has said what she has said.
Then again — perhaps I overplay my hand — she clarified later that she thought the physical activity was a mistake. She was “disappointed in herself.”
I don’t know the answer but I’ll be seeking more questions and more answers.
She made herself clear and I made myself clear — I want to be there to help her, I owe her for failing to recognize my own feelings about her, for failing to treat her as I should have, for not seizing the girl as I should.
For not realizing I was in love, yes, I care, yes I want to help, yes I want to have conversations.
She basically said, “No.” We can maybe occasionally talk but she felt it was unacceptably odd and inappropriate for exes to remain in close-contact. “I wouldn’t want to do that to [Prince Charming] since I know what it feels like to be there.”
Oh, we can’t be friends because your new guy might get jealous? But you don’t care about me and we’ll never be together again, we’ll never date again, we’ll never be intimate again… Obviously.