Returning.

I’ve returned to the city. It’s been exceptionally busy but all I’ve wanted is to see her.

Seeing her… though, is not so easy.

The first night I was back, Wednesday, I drove to her house. It was late, it was unlikely that I would see her but I still did — on a stupid hope that maybe, just maybe, she’d be getting home or… anything.

I don’t know if she was there. I doubt it, she preferred to spend her nights with her guy.

Yesterday, Thursday, I worked, traveled to a convention and got into a slight accident. I still wanted to see her but… I don’t really know how.

I’ve tried calling but no luck there. I could write her on Facebook but I want to see her, not give her an easy way to say fuck no.

Today, I started driving down toward her work, hoping I might catch her for a minute or two. I just want to give her a gift, see her…

But I realized she doesn’t work on Fridays (or didn’t) and that I would be wasting my time.

And the truth is I don’t want to impose but I don’t want her to think she’s easy to give up on because she is absolutely not. I am absolutely devastated and she doubted me so deeply, for so long, that she’s going to have to be a lot more serious about getting me out of her life.

It can’t feel half-ass. She has to look me in the eye and mean it.

And it’s crazy busy but I look at other girls and just think of her. I hold others and think of her. I get into an accident in the middle of the freeway, think of her.

I am constantly thinking of her not because I’m obsessed with her but because I’m obsessed with the idea that I didn’t make it clear how much I love her; that I didn’t stand up and say, “Yes, You. You are the one that matters most to me.”

And which is worse? Annoying the girl you love who may never love you or loving the girl you love without living in fear of how she’ll take it.

either way, you lose…

either someone loves you back and they find your efforts sincere and worthy or they hate you, they’ll forever hate you — in which case, what do you lose?

Gain everything or lose everything you never had to begin with. Not exactly a tough decision….

but how to get her to see me. How to see her.

I’ve missed her so desperately this past month, I so want to see her now.

It’s just that… short of standing on a street corner or knocking on her door, I don’t know how I’m going to get the chance.

What I do know is that I most definitely have no desire to let it go. I just don’t know how to make it clear. I want to be hated for making myself vulnerable and loving without shame, not for pretending I don’t care.