The Virginity Lie

She told me she was a virgin.

I thought she was lying.

I had the fortune of losing my virginity to another virgin (is it really fortunate, though?). In that time of exploration there was a lot of build-up, a lot of touching and feeling and just getting to know each other’s bodies. So I have a pretty good idea of the physical manifestation of what most people refer to as virginity.

I knew she had some form of sexual intercourse with another guy but not ‘all the way.’ It was perplexing to me but I tried not to overthink it.

It didn’t matter to me whether she was or she wasn’t — well, not exactly.

I have come to expect that sometimes people want to portray themselves in certain ways. Sometimes they want to be perceived as sexually experienced, sometimes totally naive. I can’t figure that stuff out because I cannot peer into their minds.

What I can do is pursue and be sensitive to who they are. What I can do is care about them.

I came to believe she was telling the truth, for the most part, and that she had not been with someone the way she had been with me. That matters.

Of course, I have not been with someone the way I was with her — despite her apparent disbelief — and fell hard for this woman who fit me so well.

It didn’t matter to me if she was or wasn’t a virgin. Virginity gets overhyped in certain cultural circles. It’s not a measure of a person’s worth — merely their experience.

Her value was completely independent of her sexual experience. Her value was in her eyes, in her lips, her voice, her mind. Yes, I absolutely loved having sex with her. It was the best — in large part because her mind was so intoxicating to me.

Anyone who’s ever going to care about you in the long term may have some initial shock or judgment or worry or whatever if you don’t fit some expected social norm but they’ll get over it quickly. As it was, I didn’t have any of those worries or concerns.

My worry was that she was okay. If she’s okay then we can figure out the rest.

I really wish I had had someone tell me why virginity doesn’t matter the way people think when I was in high school. Yes, I was in love with the girl I lost my virginity to. And that girl long ago and this One lost their virginity to this someone who cared deeply about them.

And that’s what matters. Sure, I’ve known a few people to punch the v-card with the casual hook-up (to get it over with) or the drunken hook-up (just dumb and sometimes sad). I’m not proposing marriage is necessary or that they have to be your boyfriend or you have to be in love… just, that they truly care, not pretend care — a genuine human being?

And I guess that’s why all the adults get so up in arms about a complete, if ineffective, prohibition: when you’re young it can be very difficult to tell who truly cares and who’s willing to act like they do to gain what they want.

It can be difficult to understand that the hormones and instincts of our minds have to be so powerful because, rationally, making babies would be something we’d avoid if it weren’t for the procreation override that thrust us into the arms of others — even against all reason — to ensure the species continues (Evolution is a real jerk).

But see teaching that would be so much better. Teaching us how to recognize truth and actions. Maybe it’s impossible? I don’t think it is, certainly not for everyone.

I believe we could do much better telling our children, our youth, about the lie — protecting your virginity doesn’t mean shit if you don’t know how to find a genuine person to share it with — then you can end up going through an elaborate dance (dating, proposal, marriage) for all the wrong reasons.

The lies we tell…

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