Vulnerable

Tonight an old friend played for me:

I asked her before she started, “Is this going to be rough?”

“I don’t think so.”

But… it was.

Watching it while still trying to cope with what has happened with my Twilight Princess choked me. She was so vulnerable with me.

I was, in turn, completely vulnerable with her…

Well, not quite, eh? I didn’t actually express how I was truly feeling about her. I didn’t even know how I was truly feeling about her. I had fallen in love and couldn’t bear to share it. I worked hard to hide from it, to make sure I wasn’t made vulnerable to being hurt when she left me.

And that is how I thought about it… when, not if she left me. So I struggled but watching the video made me see how very vulnerable she made herself with me and how, though she didn’t seem to recognize it, I allowed myself to be vulnerable with her — just not in a way that she seemed to understand.

I assume she didn’t understand because I did give her so much, I did share with her so much about my life, no lies, no games, I tried to be more honest with her than I’ve been with anyone in years. I let her see me get upset when she wouldn’t let me help her. I let her know my true thoughts — at least, the ones not related to her.

So watching the video, I cried. She’s one of the most courageous and compassionate people I’ve ever met, she is one of the strongest connections I’ve ever had in my life. And here, I didn’t recognize it until much too late.

I allowed my own fears and pain to dictate how I responded to her when — it seems now — she was there, she showed up, she was being genuine, courageous, compassionate. She was bearing pieces of her soul to me and I did the same for her. I shared more with her than anyone, probably ever.

But I didn’t take the last step, I didn’t consider myself worthy enough for her and so I didn’t take that final step in vulnerability and commit to her. I was afraid.

I’m still not sure she would have stayed. She still would … could have left me but I wouldn’t have been the reason, it would have been her.

So she took that, unable to see that I really was committed to her, even if I was not using the words and some of my behavior was contrary, as meaning I wasn’t serious about her.

I told her over and over, “She was first.” She was. She wanted to hear, “You are the only.” She is though… She is.

I sent her a happy new year type message and dared, exhausted and passing out to look at her FB profile. I hadn’t seen her picture in a while, so beautiful, this new picture is so beautiful of her. I touched the screen but the plastic merely confirmed her distance from me.