“ A Thing of Beauty is a Joy Forever”
Dedicated to the most beautiful woman in my life — my mother (1937–2008)
Two years ago, my mother completed 10 years of her demise and I completed 50 years of my birth on the same day — 23 May!
It has taken me approximately 2 years to gather the courage to embark on an emotional journey to decode certain events of my life.
A perspective reinforcing Tranquility, Faith ……
I have come across many women in my life who inspired me but without doubt, today I admit that, my mother has been that yardstick in my life against whom I have subconsciously gauged myself in various areas.
As a very young child of 5 years, I remember her as a beautiful woman with peaches and cream complexion, and with long, very long hair; the rustle of her printed silk sari ( 6 yards of fabric draped around the body in a way that it transforms into a flowing dress), whose soft pallu ( the part of a sari that hangs free from the shoulder) would blow on my face every time she would pass by, as if providing an extension of her caress. Maybe that’s the reason why most children find saris and dupattas (long stoles) fascinating!
RITUALS:
I saw her as “ the complete woman”, celebrating life like a festival — making goodies for our ( my brother and I ) birthday parties, making jams, stitching, Ikebana ( Japanese art of flower arrangement) , following Hindu ritual of everyday morning prayers, participating in performing Sraddha ( a Sanskrit word which literally means any act performed with all sincerity and absolute faith; one of the important rituals meant to cleanse mind and soul. Conceptually, it is a way for people to express heartfelt gratitude towards their departed parents and ancestors)……
My mother was ill for the majority of my growing years. She had depression/ bipolar/ schizophrenia (don’t know for sure what) at the mental level and diabetes, heart problem, glaucoma, … at the physical level. Despite her ritualistic prayers she could not overpower her diseases. They ultimately engulfed the whole of her and made her subservient to their own end of her.
I understood —
it is imperative that the performer of the ritual understands what he or she is doing. Only then will the true intent of the ritual be fulfilled and the performer of the ritual will feel completely gratified and reap the benefits, or else the ritual becomes just a mechanical exercise wherein fear and habit play their part.
As a mother of a 22 year old son, today, I look back in my life to discover that actually every individual accumulates/ acquires illnesses but it is not brutally exposed — it is hidden! I believe all the problems start at the mental level in the form of stress, anxiety, guilt, fear, shame….. And get manifested in the form of dis-ease in the body at physical or mental level.
Illnesses at the physical level are visible so they get attended to but the ones at the mental level especially those that are hidden in the form of Perfectionism, OCD, NPD….. just get mildly referred to as personality traits or mood swings,…. Furthermore, the innumerable fears and phobias that parents have are used as tools to control their children. Probably, that is why in Indian culture emphasis is on Yoga (essentially a spiritual discipline based on an extremely subtle science which focuses on bringing harmony between mind, body and soul), meditation, breathing exercises, as they are considered to be the long term solutions for these problems.
ME TIME:
As a result of my mother’s long list of illnesses, by the time I was 13 years old, I became (my role) more of her caretaker and her support than her daughter but she still remained my Mother — not because she had given me birth — but because she had created an environment at home, by being the way she was, that helped me nurture -
- I learnt to learn;
- I learnt to observe;
- I learnt to manage time between studies, shopping for groceries / vegetables, household chores, friends, movies, reading romance /politics / about life
- I learnt to fail with grace (overcoming the fear of failure);
- and I learnt to get up after failing and falling.
Thanks to my mother, during my teenage — the most precious time of my growing years — my process of knowing myself started- Why I do What I do.
All thanks to a lot of ME TIME I got when she was under medication.
She was not keeping a track of ‘what all I was doing’- I was doing that;
She was not giving me sermons / lectures and eating into my mental space — I was having my own thoughts and questions;
She was not giving me lectures or dropping hints of how girls should behave- I was discovering that for myself, what suited me the best.
Today when I am a mother, I can say that keeping quiet is an art — a difficult one - that parents need to acquire as children start to grow up. I observe that, the more I keep quiet and just be a ‘sounding board’ for my son, that is, no criticism, no comparison, no judgement, no opinion — just appreciate his real efforts or genuinely admit things that I don’t understand- my honesty helps my son bloom more — it helps him discover himself more.
Her MASTERPIECE — TIFFIN NAPKIN
My memory bank, when I was around 5–6 years of age, has a wide collection of memories — one of them is of the yellow/ maroon napkin with subtle squares and rose bush embroidered on it……
She had made tiffin napkins for me — Golden yellow fabric with maroon piping. Back then I had limited knowledge of colors and basic shapes so this is what I could identify at that time.
Later on, in school, when I learnt more in my needle — work activity class, I could appreciate what all went into the making of those tiffin napkins- which I used to spread on my school desk before eating my tiffin during the lunch break.
Colours of the tiffin napkin were well chosen — bright turmeric yellow with maroon piping. Piping with a thin string / dori in it to give the edge of the napkin a rounded body and stiffness. The whole yellow napkin fabric had been divided into squares / grid with Hemstitch- this is a decorative drawn thread work technique in which 2–3 threads are pulled out along the length / breadth of fabric and then the hemming is done in a way that a net look is created. Rose bush had been embroidered with maroon thread in tiny blanket stitches. She had created a masterpiece of the napkin. I had 2 or 3 such napkins!!
My eyes still shine at the thought of all the labour and thinking that went behind designing / making it — today I recognize it more ;
AND I also know my truth- that is -
Even though I know embroidery;
I know stitching;
I have knowledge of fabrics;
I have an eye for colours;
Most importantly, I think I am decent moving to good in the above four, BUT I can’t match up to her level of skill. Further, the question that comes foremost to my mind is What for? Why do so much work? — This is the killer of creativity- murder of the very first baby step towards something that could be Big.
My inspiration — Frock with sleeves:
At the age of 6, I had a white thread crochet without sleeves straight frock. My mother stitched puffed sleeves of white organdy fabric to make it into full sleeves frock so that my arms would not attract mosquito bites in summers.
I still remember how effortlessly she had stitched the sleeves!
Here, the importance was not in converting the without sleeves frock to a full sleeves one but importance was of how effortlessly she did it, which inspired me also.
She didn’t teach me, she didn’t lecture me, she simply did it in a way that I too wanted to try doing it. I was infected by the way she had created it! Thus, she introduced me to the Joy of Creating! That feeling of fascination is with me till date.
I was inspired.
Later, I learned to use the sewing machine and make drafts/ patterns all by myself by the famous ‘trial and error’ method !
My son went on a trek to Roopkund in the Himalayas when he was 13 years old. He had a pair of cargo shorts reaching just below his knees. I attached tartan check fabric to make it into a full length trouser - the tartan check part could be folded and buttoned up to convert it back to shorts once again!……we undertook many more such projects……. taking us on a journey of fun and joy of creating!
Passionate participation:
Simply put, my mother was happy to have received a gift from God — she called her Priti (that’s me) and she started admiring the way I was growing, Her contribution towards me (my life) by passionately participating in doing even the everyday chores of bringing up a child, rather than merely performing the duty of a mother, was enough for me to imbibe the finer qualities. In Hindi language we have a word that beautifully encompasses all these emotions/ actions — Sanskara or Samskara ( in Sanskrit).
As I grew, she started sharing her college times, her life / her skills, her fears / her joys with me. Focus here being only on sharing, not on downloading her negative emotional baggage which normally the parents do!
Currently, I am in a position to recognize this and my appreciation for her is growing by leaps and bounds!!
TURNING POINT:
At the age of 15, I was at my aunt’s ( bua’s) house. She had organized Akhand paath ( recitation of religious texts for 24 hours without breaks) and 21 Brahmins ( Hindu priests) had been invited for bhoj (lunch). I was part of the team that served them food while they sat on the floor to eat.
Later on after the bhoj, when I was washing the utensils in the kitchen, I heard my aunt speak to one of the senior brahmins and pointing towards me she said, “ look at her life — her mother is ill and she has to do all the work, poor thing…” .
Looking at me, he gave me a nod of approval, (since he had observed me while serving food also), with a smile on his face he replied, “she is the way she is ‘because’ of her mother” — those words still ring in my ears and his genuine approval and smile is still vivid in my mind!
That was the turning point in my life. The more I thought about it , the more I started appreciating the things around me and my circumstances.
My attitude changed — I started focusing more on the happiness quotient in my life.
That one statement dissolved all my complaints towards my positioning in life, the way God had positioned me on earth with my set of parents / family/ more specifically my mother and her rising graph of illnesses.
The angle of my kaleidoscope, through which I was viewing my life, shifted and suddenly everything was more bright- blue in the sky was more blue — I could differentiate the various shades of blue in one look. The greenery around me, more green- the shades of green in the park became more visible. — the visibility got enhanced beautifully.
Later, after some 6 years or so, I attended a 3 days workshop — Landmark Forum- and this lesson was brought back into focus.
Be conscious of what you are thinking- the energy behind it — if it is a positive thought it will attract more such positive thoughts and will engulf you in a world of happiness; a world of possibilities. Thus, the Matrix of Happiness is created.
I don’t know how beneficial that Brahmin bhoj was for my aunt but I received immensely from that event. I learnt to look for more viewpoints of a situation than were visible on the surface.
I suddenly remembered all the poems/ dohas (couplets) …. on the importance of keeping company of the pious. You never know what will strike the chord for you and your tuning for life will be set, something similar to what I see my son do to his guitar before he starts playing it.
And we all know, we have experienced it — -
“when the shoe fits ; the foot is forgotten;
when the belt fits , the belly is forgotten;
when the heart is right ,”for” and “against” are forgotten. (Taoist master Chuang Tzu)
When the tuning is right you remember only the song…. all efforts to learn are forgotten!
That is, partnering with one’s circumstances to create a unique chemistry with one’s own life.
— — — — — — — — — — — —
REFLECTION :
Before my marriage I took care of her physically;
After my marriage I took care of her in my prayers.
After she passed away, reflecting back, I am in the process of discovering more and more of her in me!
Sheer magic parents create in a child’s life — They are ‘there’ even when they are not ‘there’ !!
When this realization dawned upon me, I became more conscious of my actions as a parent.
Subconsciously, I know that my son (Shashwath Sundar) today is a result of my past behavior and the way ‘he’ saw me ( his parents). This impact / shadow / thought/ memories …..will stay with him until much later when his parents will not be there with him and he will be reflecting……
“ A thing of Beauty is a Joy forever”
Dedicated to the most beautiful woman in my life- My Mother
“Namaste”
(“I bow to the divine in you”)