My Masterpiece. At Last.

Well here it is folks! The moment has finally come! It’s been one year in the making and all that work has paid off. I can finally share with you what I’ve been writing during this past 365 days. Yes it’s been an entire year since I quit my job to be a writer and boy did it fly by. I can’t believe it’s already here. I have just been having such a great time writing I didn’t even notice the hours passing, day after day, week after week as I stared at my computer screen. The saying is true, “Time flies when you are… something something!” I’ve never been good at sayings; obviously I prefer to focus on creating my own original idioms that will then weave me into the fabric of society forever. See! How’d you like that one? Don’t forget me five years down the road when everyone you know is dropping “weave me into the fabric of society” into every conversation like a hot potato! The future sure is going to be fun.

Back to my big reveal! Who would’ve thought that one year ago when I first sat down at my laptop in my mom’s living room that I would be here now- on my laptop in my mom’s living room. Not me, that’s for sure! Some of you may remember my plans to write a few scripts and pitch them around for about 4 months and if that didn’t work out then I’d just find another fulltime job. Well turns out none of those plans came to fruition. However, I am just so pleased it didn’t work out because I’ve had all this time to really, really, just super deeply focus on myself. They say everything happens for a reason and if I had gotten a job this year then I wouldn’t have all of those long mornings where I just laid in bed and thought about all of my flaws and mistakes. You can’t fix it if you don’t know what parts are broken, as the popular saying goes. When you’re working all the time you don’t really get to dig down deep, into the darkest of places you’ve never explored before, and then just sit there and think about it over and over again. Lucky for me, I’ve had a full year to just focus on myself and pick myself apart as much as humanly possible.

So what you’re about to read is truly from my heart and soul, I’ve poured so many hours into this and I’m so glad it’s time to share it with everyone. No one is more excited than I am to get my work out there for the world to see. After all these months of ripping myself open and throwing up my emotional guts onto the page, the first thing I want to do is give the entire world the ability to read it and critique it. The comments online are always so inspirational and encouraging that I am tingling in my extremities with excitement to read them. Isn’t it wonderful that we as humans all now have a forum to share every single one of the thoughts that pass through our minds each day no matter how hateful or hurtful? The world is such a better place because of it. I can’t wait to see what helpful criticisms, or should I say witticisms, are going to be passed my way. What a pleasure it will be to be informed of the mistakes I’ve made and all of the reasons that I should probably just kill myself.

I just want to thank all of the people who supported me through this journey. Hopefully reading what I’ve written in the past year will reassure you that you made the right decision by helping me on my path to greatness. Thank you to my family who allowed me to live in your homes without contributing anything in return and forgive me for those times I didn’t come home until 5am because I was up writing at the library that entire time I swear to God, it’s a special library in the city, it’s open 24 hours and I just love writing so much I couldn’t stop and yes they serve wine there and yes that’s totally a normal thing these days. A special shout out to my mother, who never once cried in front of me for being a 35 year old single woman with barely any marketable skills who will never bear children for her to love and will most likely live on her couch for the rest of my life. Mom, I love you and I look forward to the upcoming decades of our bodies withering away while we watch every Law & Order: SVU episode at least 20 times. Just kidding! My writing is going to skyrocket me right to the top! You’ll spend your remaining years in a fancy assisted living establishment while I’m out toasting the town with Adrian Brody!

To everyone who told me I was talented and brave for quitting my job, I appreciate your kind and wise words so much, and I think once you read my work, you’ll see that you were totally right. You surely won’t regret those compliments even though you had no idea if I was actually good writer or you knew I was doomed to fail but wanted to be nice about it. Finally seeing my prose shall put you at ease but unfortunately, to those who said, “Remember me when you’re famous!” I’m afraid I may not be able to hold up that end of the bargain. Finally to my boss/mentor, your words of encouragement were perhaps slightly too encouraging but now here I am, 1 year later and thousands of dollars in debt with a few teeth that are beginning to be an issue and a troubling ache in my joints and I can finally prove to you that I am as gifted as you for some reason seem to think!

Now I can share with everyone the accumulation of what a years worth of staring at a computer has amounted to. My friends wonder how I fill the 24 hours of emptiness each day and the moment has arrived so I can let you all in on my secret! All those days at the coffee shop and all of the money that hemorrhaged out of me for scones and gut-melting espressos will finally pay off! Ahh I look forward to the faces of the other coffee shop writers when they bask in my genius and realize there’s been a ringer in their midst all along.

Yes somehow a year has passed since I was a productive member of society. It seems like just yesterday when I had a reason to get out of bed each morning and a paycheck every two weeks but no! It’s 52 weeks later! For all of this time I struggled and wept and pressed a bunch of letters on a keyboard and here it is for the world to see… This is it, this is what an entire year has lead up to, a year I dreamt about my whole life, this is how I spent it.

Finally, to everyone who’s ever wanted to change their lives and quit their jobs to follow their dreams, go ahead and do it! You can be as successful as I am.

And without much further ado… Ok just going to let the anticipation build a little more here haha, sorry I’m a humorist! Gosh how great is it that I can call myself that now? Professional humorist. That is a nice title, from now on that is how I’ll introduce myself, heck maybe it’ll be the subject of my next book. Can’t wait to start on that one.

In summation, I quit my job one year ago and after all this time, I will share with you what I wrote.

After 365 days and lord knows how many hours are in a year, this is the fruit of my labor. During all of those weeks and months this is what I accomplished.

ONE FULL YEAR of “writing” and here it goes…

“A pass of gas can tell a lass

Whether a boy can be a husband.

A whiff of air

Will make all aware

Which way the relash is headed.

After an unpleasant breeze

His response shall ease

Th’ lady’s heart as well as her bottom

If he doth protest

Move to the next

For his heart’s

The thing that’s rotten.”