4 ways that grief changed the way I look at life

Priyanka Rajagopalan
Nov 6 · 4 min read

I know, I know. Every time you see ‘4 ways’ in a headline, it is usually on a lighter, Buzzfeed-ier note — “4 ways Bollywood movies teach us Physics lessons” or “4 ways we can blame Millenials for everything including the Titanic crash when they weren’t even born”. Looks like I chose a different route. Let’s talk grief.

Grief has been timelessly romanticised in literature, in papers, and now by poets on Instagram. And to be fair — everyone experiences and channels it differently. Some describe it as a drowning feeling, with waves of sadness that don’t seem to stop. Others describe it as sharp, painful pricks, triggered by even the slightest hint of their loved one’s perfume. For me? Grief came in the form of giant reality checks staring me in the face.

I experienced loss twice between 2015–16, one with the sudden passing of my cousin brother, and soon after when my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Carcinoma. It’s a little hard to explain why the grieving started 4 months before she died, but grief doesn’t always have to be associated with death. For me, it was a sense of inevitability, and knowing that I was already saying goodbye to the person I knew and loved as the disease took over.

So here goes some catharsis: 4 years later, 4 ways that grief changed the way I look at life.

1. Steering my life:

Loss and grief don’t define me, but they define a lot of my life decisions. For some context: I didn’t spend a lot of time with my mom in her final days. I had just started my first job and was ‘hustling’ to prove myself (something she was really happy about, so I don’t beat myself up over it). The morning of the day she died, I was running late for work and just shouted a cavalier ‘byeeee ma!’ before sprinting out the door. That afternoon, I was welcomed with some awful news but also reality check #1 — I decided I didn’t want to compromise on time away from home, my roots and the people who made my life beautiful. My career ambitions weren’t dimmed but I still wanted to be there for the big moments. Now, I study and work in a place that gives me the best of all worlds (which my privilege allows — grateful.).

2. Silence isn’t golden anymore:

Source: Google Images

I was a member of the Silent Mode Club ever since I was given my first phone. But since 2015, I don’t think my phone has been on ‘silent mode’ even for a single day. I’m not sure why this is — perhaps the memory of life-changing phone calls is so fresh in my mind? Today, I place priority in being reachable and my phone is kept in the loudest possible volume at all times (so close to me that it’s been referred to as an extension of my arm), almost like I’m expecting it to ring in the middle of the night. Before you ask — this paranoia is something I’m working on, I assure you :)

3. PLEASE, Say Cheese:

I always loved photos and social media, but they take on a whole new meaning when it’s all you have left of someone. Taking the giant risk of being labelled ‘that person’ in the trip, I now take a lot more photos with people and more often than not, document them on Instagram immediately (I adore hitting the archives and reminiscing). I don’t have enough of these with the people I lost — but I won’t let that happen again. Long overdue defence to my friends: see, it’s not (just) narcissism, I love you guys!

4. Shit Happens:

Bad things happen to good people. Odds and probability mean nothing. Don’t question it — ‘why them?’ is a road we’ll go down and never be able to cross. If we get to enjoy the beautiful roses life has to offer, the law of averages ensures we see the thorns too, it’s just how it is.

My father recently told me — “90% of things aren’t in your control. Let it go.” It’s true. We can stay healthy, be good people, and a truck could hit us tomorrow. Let it go, let it be. (Also — 85% of statistics are made up.)

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