Diary 2016 (Feb 9th)- Freedom to choose

In John Wyndham’s Consider her ways, the protagonist, Jane, time travels (kind of) to a future where there are no men. Science has dispensed with the requirement of men for reproduction. It is sort of a feminist utopia. Women run and rule the world. The age-old subjugation of 50% of the human race is finally history. But Jane argues, “What about love?” She contends that at times, men and women were complementary. They fulfilled each other, added up to something greater than their sum. Yes, all that long term view of the ages was largely true. But…

But it is always about choice. What we seem to value most highly is the freedom to choose. If I try to remember, the first time I felt this desire can assume strange forms was while reading Reading Lolita in Tehran in high school. The author spoke about the compulsory Hijab imposed after the 1979 revolution. Then she talked about her grandmother bemoaning her inability to wear the Hijab under the rule of Reza Shah Pahlavi. I could not imagine why any woman might want to actually wear that, unless it was due to regressive social conditioning.

The person apparently desired the freedom to choose, in order to give up freedom. But is it wrong if a woman chooses to live a bounded life, in exchange for what she perceives as respect and safety. It goes against all my beliefs but it is a conundrum worth pondering.

I saw how my mother spent her life as a dedicated housewife, devoting herself to bringing up her children. After we left home, she seemed to lose her purpose in life. That seemed like the worst fate possible to me. So, when my wife told me that she would love to be a housewife, provided I made enough money for the two of us, I was more than a little surprised. When I asked her to explain, what she had in mind was rather different from my conceptualization of a homemaker. In fact, the homemaker part didn’t figure in her visualization. For her, it would mean freedom from the drudgery of work, the freedom to pursue her interests, to learn languages, read.

I hesitate using the phrase ‘Free will’. I have always associated the combination of the two words with the weighty writings of philosophers, thinkers, with which I cannot claim even passing familiarity. But it has been bothering me more and more recently. Especially whether it is really possible to have the freedom to choose and direct my life. We are all bound by written and unwritten rules. It is possible that we merely have an illusion of Free will. Even if it exists in a conditional form, what is the price I have to pay for it.

There are constraints imposed by the environment, by society and family, by limited knowledge. When I graduated from school, I had the apparent freedom to choose my education and career path. But not really. For a student in my position, there were basically two options available, medicine or engineering. Most decent Indian students would go into one of these two fields. My parents would have been apoplectic if I told them I plan to do my undergrad in English literature or history. But it is not just peer pressure or family expectations. I was not even aware of fields like comparative history or linguistics. Exposure or lack of it is sometimes the most insurmountable obstacle. There would be students from really under-privileged backgrounds who would know even less than I did.

I went along the expected path for a long time. I did an MBA after admitting to myself that I had close to zero interest in being a chemical engineer, got a job with JP Morgan and worked there for three years. Then I let go. I quit my job, joined a half-baked, hare-brained venture with a classmate from engineering. I was following my heart. I had been given the highest rating in the previous year’s evaluation. So, to prove a point I decided to quit a month before the annual evaluation and the performance bonus. To show (to whom I am not sure) that I absolutely didn’t care. I learnt an important lesson. The world and your company will go on without you. Not a beat will be missed.

That venture failed. After a gap, I joined another one, which is not in great shape. Giving up the monetary compensation was not the only price I paid for exercising my right to choose. I had to endure my parents losing a sense of security, they felt they deserved to have. They never really complained but sometimes, that is worse. I have felt that I have been incredibly selfish. I am not sure what I am going to do next. Just as my classmates are settling in to their careers, mine seems to be a bit lost in the wilderness. I have had serious doubts. Maybe, I should have gone by the policy that a job is to make money, and enable you to indulge in your interests when you are not working. So, there is always a price to be paid.

The wonderful Amazon TV show, Transparent, explores that aspect of freedom and self-realization. It tells the tale of the very white, very privileged Pfefferman family. The patriarch comes out as transgender in old age, sparking a tortured search for identity among his three children.

The show obviously sympathizes with gender fluidity. But it situates its story on a precarious tightrope between being who you believe you are and pure narcissistic selfishness. Transparent dignifies the quest for freedom and choice but it doesn’t turn its eyes away from the flip side. It savages the indulgences, tallies the cost to the characters and to those around them.

Following the mantra of personal freedom, enlightenment-style individualism, might inevitably end up hurting people I care about. It would mean I cannot the ‘nice’ person I want to be seen as.

I am still trying to figure it out. Someday, I will crack open the Kant, Hegel and Hume I purchased 2–3 years back in a bout of enthusiasm. Till then, I have to continue to muddle through.