Who knew it would be this hard?

Three years later, should I even bother trying to have a baby. Just to tell you a little about my history, I have had 8 surgeries to try to even get pregnant.

Timeline:

• Hysteroscopy: found out my tubes are damaged
• Laparoscopy: had my tubes tied, as I have a condition hyrdrosalpinx, where fluid is coming up my tubes
• Egg Retrieval: luckily my eggs or his sperm have no issues, we were able to fertilize 4 excellent embryos
• Transfer 1: Failed, only 1 Embryo
• Transfer 2: Succesful, 2 Embryos, but resulted in Miscarriage within 10 weeks
• D&C: for the Embryo that didn’t survive
• Hysteroscopy: repaired scar tissue and opened cervix, never even knew this would be an issue, and could be the reason I miscarried
• Transfer 3: Failed, only 1 Embryo

Now, my IVF doctor has told me, that my uterus is only functioning 50–70% so I can try another cycle … but I may want to consider surrogacy. I am reading more about it and looking into the idea, but it will be very expensive and am I okay with someone being the gestational carrier? My main concerns are the legal ramifications and how to make it through 9 months about worrying about someone else, and being able to breastfeed after plus trying to bond with a baby that I didn’t carry in my own womb.

Is this all really worth it, to keep putting my life on hold? Today I am going to my nephew’s birthday party. When I see my nephews and nieces, I really want kids, but do I want to keep trying to bring a life into this less than perfect world?

I am still trying to figure that one out, I can take the physical and even emotional pain. But, in the back of my mind, maybe it is just not meant to be … and I may just have to accept that reality.