Let’s be clear about what rape is. Rape is any sexual act in which a woman does not or cannot give consent.

The word consent is the key to the whole issue. Many people think that rape has to be violent and committed by strangers or it is not rape. I have had otherwise intelligent, educated men tell me that non-consensual sex is not always rape. They couldn’t be further from the truth.

While many rapes are violent acts committed by strangers, only 26% of rapes are committed by someone unknown to the victim. More importantly, not all rapes are violent because many occur when a man takes advantage of a woman’s inability to give consent. This inability can be the result of a mental disability, being given a date rape drug, choosing to drink too much, or having the audacity to be asleep or unconscious.

Let’s start with mental disability. If any man ever tried to tell me he didn’t know that he cannot have sex with a mentally disabled woman (no matter what she says she wants), I would call him a liar. Under no circumstances is this okay. Ever.

If you give a woman a drug that impairs her and then have sex with her, you are a rapist. Are you really so stupid that you think a woman who says yes when she is drugged actually wants to have sex with you? If you have to drug her to get in her pants, then she likely would not give you a second thought when she is sober. Drugging her just proves what a Neanderthal you are.

If a woman chooses to drink or use drugs, that does not give you the right to take advantage of her impairment. A woman who is too drunk to say no is too drunk to say yes. That means she is too drunk to give consent. No matter what she says or how she acts, if you have sex with an impaired person, you can, and should, be charged with rape.

And do I really have to explain that a woman who is asleep or unconscious cannot give consent? Seriously?

Rape is rarely about sex. It is usually about power. Sure, you are bigger and stronger than me, and you even have a penis. So what? None of that gives you the right to intimidate or abuse me.

Let’s run through a few scenarios just to be crystal clear.

Just because I go on a date with you, doesn’t mean you are ‘getting any’. Going on a date is NOT consent.

If I invite you over to my house after dinner for a beer, that is NOT consent.

If I drink too much, that is NOT consent.

If you are so pathetic that you decide to drug me, that is NOT consent.

If I dress in skimpy clothes, that is NOT consent.

If I walk the dog at night, that is NOT consent.

Just because a woman does not report you to the police, does not mean that you are not a rapist.

To be fair to men, I did say at the beginning of this piece that I don’t think all men are rapists. I think a small percentage of men are rapists.

In that case, what does this have to do with you? Why should you care about this if you aren’t a rapist? Before you decide that none of this applies to you, I want you to go back through that list. Have you ever pushed a woman into having sex because of the way she was dressed? And the big one: have you ever had sex with a woman who was too drunk to give consent?

Do any of your buddies think that this behaviour is okay? If so, do you call them on it, or just let it ride so that you don’t ruin the party and look like a killjoy?

Do you have a wife, sister, mom, niece, aunt, or female friend? Have you ever thought about how rape has affected each of them. It’s not enough to say that they have never been raped. Chances are, you wouldn’t know if they had been because 60% of rapes are never reported to authorities. Why is that number so high? Here’s some of the more common reasons: women are blamed for the rape, they are forced to undergo humiliating tests to prove rape, they have to tell complete strangers (often male police officers) about an unimaginably painful experience, and they know that their rapist will likely face little, if any, censure. Would you want your mother or sister or wife to go through that?

Have you ever asked those women how the mere threat of rape affects their lives? Most of the women I know can use their keys as a weapon in case they need to defend themselves. I know a lot of women who carry bear spray with them when they walk at night. Women are taught to look in the back seat of their car before they get into it. None of this means that they are paranoid. They simply know the risk posed to them by the fact that they are women. Often I walk down the street with my keys at the ready without even being aware that I am doing so. I am constantly aware of who is around me and how they are behaving. I don’t walk at night in a relaxed way, because I know that it is safer to walk in a decisive manner. Why do I know all of this? Because I’ve been there. Like so many other women I know that I am not as safe as I should be.

And don’t spout any nonsense about how I could protect myself if I simply dressed differently or didn’t walk at night or didn’t drink. No. A better solution: men who can’t control themselves should get locked up at night so that I can walk in peace. Or, you can gouge your eyes out so that I can wear what I want without worrying that some ass will see my clothes as an invitation to sex. And do NOT tell me to go out and buy and damn gun! Why should I have to carry a weapon that I don’t want to carry? Why is it up to women to prevent rape? When are men going to take responsibility for their own behaviour and put an end to rape?

This letter is addressed to ALL the men of the world because every one of you play a role in this. When you objectify women, when you make sexual innuendos, when you grope them in the bar, when you behave in any way that would infuriate you if it happened to your mom or sister, then you are contributing to a culture in which it is acceptable to mistreat women. Most importantly, when you don’t speak up against mistreatment or you remain silent in order to gain the approval of your friends and colleagues, you condone those who do actually go out and rape women.