Time Alone

When you’re left alone, time is the ocean horizon. You know there is constant motion, yet still your senses tell you all is stale. If a night alone allows one to regroup, what would several accomplish? I’ve found one can only summon Thalia and Melpomene, comedy and tragedy.

One stage unveils the gift of exploration. Whatever that may be for you, we’re gifted a chance to try hobbies, ask ourselves important questions, and master ourselves. On the other stage, the madness sets in. Every past branch from our timeline, every detail is expanded to its own plot point.

This is a story of my time alone. I have masterfully crafted an abhorrent web of lies in a well intended yet wildly misguided attempt to change my world. I watched as my web quickly got swept away by the wind and rain.

I want to be clear, I do not intend to portray myself as a victim. To do so would be a clear insult to the others that have been stuck to the web all this time. However not being the victim does not mean not hurting. In writing this I hope to lessen that a bit.

Many conversations with myself focus on what I could have done differently, or what I should have done differently. It centered around the pain I was feeling and the things I wanted. The spiraling slide down seemed endless as I gained momentum. All this time, I was going so fast I failed to even notice there were any other slides let alone people on it. All I could think to myself was how to break free of the centrifugal force I was caught in.

As time does with all things, eventually the slide started to level out, slowing me down. While I had stopped descending, I was already too far down to begin to think about how to climb back up. Surveying the new world around me, I began to see other slides similar to mine, although they seemed to have been much steeper. I realized I was not the only one who was being pulled down.

I heard a voice in the distance. A familiar, caring, yet unknown voice offering me some advice. How could anyone this far deep offer me wisdom when they themselves were still fighting? Perhaps this is the true definition of selflessness. I spent a lot of time asking the voice about my captivity…wondering what they could do for me. What of my pain, what of my plight, how do I regain the things I lost on the journey down? Looking back, it is something I yearn to be more conscious of in the future.

The voice replied in a somewhat stern yet wise tone. “You seek forgiveness for yourself, you seek a solution for yourself. Here is why you are still descending. You have given so many parts of yourself to others, and when they were forced down the slides you see here, thanks to you, simply figuring out a way back up will still leave you less than. Understanding why you wish forgiveness is perhaps more important than asking for it.”

I was frozen in reality, slowly walls that were so big they illusioned me into thinking they were my world started to falter. The voice continued. “No one will throw you down a rope, there is no one left at the top. You must give yourself, in whatever way necessary, to doing what is right in this moment. Time offers no chance to re-script the past. However second chances are possible when you are genuine. People are not perfect, and that includes yourself. If you give the rest of yourself to the others you helped damn, when that helps them rise back, you can reform once again having found so much of yourself has made it.”

The walls that were faltering were now crumbling. The voice went silent while the voice inside of me grew louder with my time alone. Second after second, the tsunami of realizations came quickly. This web I have built was built for my purpose, a selfish construction that has led to wide devastation. The tunnel vision I had for so long opened up into a field painted with damage.

Once again, the weight of this epiphany started to set in and crush me yet again. This time, however, I was able to quickly stop myself and remember the words of the caring voice from earlier. I must not get caught up in the “I”, for the field before me was stained with my red paint. So many beautiful colors that were covered. It was then I realized what needed to be done.

While I can not be positive, because only fools are positive, I can be sure that every moment forward will be spent on trying to right the wrongs I have done in whatever way possible. To help remove the paint and restore the natural beauty to those around me. This is my true second chance. Not to get what I desire, but to repent, repair, and recover.

My time alone was and will continue to be torturous, but it has also been a revolution of reality. My time alone has submitted itself to growth, change, selflessness…and most of all, understanding.

If you are reading this, and are stuck building your own web, allow me to be your forecaster and hopefully advise you of the wind and rain to come. If you are on that spiraling slide, let me be your voice in the dark. You are breathing…and you have a chance to not undo what you’ve done, but to start today to make things right.

To my voice in the dark, thank you.