Buck your fucking ideas up, scientists.

Just what are you even getting up to in your ‘labs’?

Scientists have got it pretty cushy when you think about it. If we average joes were a bit more suspicious and cynical and took some time to stop and properly analyse their activities, we’d have worked out long before now that they’re a lounging gang of chancers operating a secretive cult, united by inertia and the annual hovering up of billions of research dollars.

Have you ever seen what goes on in a scientific research facility on a day-to-day basis? Of course not. That’s because these grabbing bastards run a tight ship and keep us lay-people out, with buzzwords like ‘lab conditions’ and ‘hygiene’ as a convenient cloak to keep prying eyes away while they dick about all day long in their white coats, goggles and latex gloves.

The fact that I’ve drawn this rarely-voiced but staggeringly obvious conclusion surely proves that we’ve been taken for a bunch of fools for decades, wrongly assuming that the scientists have out best interests at heart when in fact they’re all complicit in a global work-avoidance programme.

Usually, these so-called experts manage to keep a firm lid on their lucrative chicanery, lobbing out the occasional ‘breakthrough’ from their thick fog of doublespeak, but now and again the mask slips, as it spectacularly did at this week’s European Congress of Obesity, held in Porto. Mmmmm… Porto — a sun-drenched jolly which probably comprises of mass necking of plateloads of free cronuts, inhaling squirty cream straight out of the can and comparing the gullibility levels of assorted EU funding bodies.

One of the findings that has publicly emerged from this sun-drenched think tank is that beer drinkers put on more weight than people who drink water instead. No, really — that’s an actual scientific study that has taken place in the world of science, by scientists. Spanish scientists to be precise, although it could quite easily have spilled from the mouth of anyone over the age of five armed with even the vaguest knowledge about the workings of the human body.

How much did they trouser in the process of coming up with ‘beer makes you fatter than water’ I wonder? And can I apply for a similar grant so that I can research my ‘aeroplanes are noisier than cats’ theory, or test my hypothesis that wearing the same onesie every day for three months leads to social isolation?

As an avid user of baked goods and booze, I urge the European Congress of Obesity overlords to invite me along to their next pow-wow and I promise that I’ll steal the show. Give me half an hour in a paddling pool filled with steak bakes and banoffee pie and the boffins will be crowding around me, pointing excitedly and giddily prodding my folds with their science sticks like a mob of Victorian doctors around a wheezing, petrified John Merrick.

Perhaps Michael Gove was right during last year’s Brexit campaign; perhaps we HAVE had enough of experts. Even the shtick of popular scientists such as Professor Brian Cox is beginning to wear thin in this new age where knowledge breeds mistrust.

Whenever I watch the fey, permanently-wonderstruck Cox scampering around in front of a dramatic sunset atop the Himalayas, breathlessly comparing the mountains’ formation cycle to the process of stellar evolution, my default response is always the same — to spit out a mouthful of crisps as I yell, ‘Prove it then, mate. Go on, prove it!’

He can’t. He never does. Watch him. I’m on to him.

It wasn’t always this way though — old school scientists never hid themselves away in secret laboratories. No, they carried out their research out in the open, where they were accountable to the public — with Sir Isaac Newton famously beavering away while sitting beneath a tree, leading to his ground-breaking discovery of apples.

Once a year, Open Farm Sunday sees over a thousand British farmers hide their shotguns and their experimentally-inbred cattle and allow the general public in for free, allowing us to have a poke around their barns and milking sheds in what is a beautiful show of openness combined with an easy, if ultimately dissatisfying, family day out.

Perhaps our shirking scientists should do the same with their laboratories, so that we don’t all choke on our pints en masse when they come out with astonishingly obvious drivel such as ‘beer makes you fatter than water’ — a revelation which gives me the feeling that someone down at the science club just won a hugely improbable wager.

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