dear first,

I feel almost compelled to write this because I think I just need to admit this to myself. Since my 22nd birthday I have felt like I was living in the movie 13 going on 30. Almost being able to have a slight glimpse of what my life would have been like if I had stuck around with my first..well, actually if I had given my first another chance. The truth is I really couldn’t have, since our worlds are so far apart but, a part of me deeply regrets letting him go. I feel my heart being dragged in two different directions when I wrestle with this concept but, I miss you so much. I don’t even know how this could be resolved. I pray and pray that this goes away but, I’ve come to terms with the fact that you probably need my prayers right now. I desperately want you to find yourself and to get some sort of do over. I’ve always felt like you’ve deserved the whole world and more..it was always you selling yourself short that got in the way. I want you to find something you’re passionate about and pursue it with all your heart no matter what the cost. I want you to be able to live your life without needing to look back..even if its at me. I know that I’m something you deeply regret because I’m your one who got away. I wish that we could go back to the moment when we were young so it could have all gone right the first time. I want to weep thinking of how different my life would be with you in it. We would have both been spared so much pain and disappointment if we had just put the pettiness and obstacles aside to just love each other faithfully and full heartedly. It would have been like a movie or a song, seriously. I know the exact moment, too. If we could go back and fix it before we passed the point of no return, our lives would be completely different. We’d probably be married by now..maybe with a baby on the way..hopefully in a place of our own, getting our careers started.. I know there’s a whole lot I’ve learned about myself in my young adulthood and I’m so glad for it but, I often look back at the memories of you and of us and my heart still breaks, as if I could still go back and fix it. I will always love you. A part of me will still always love you. I still pray for you so often..hoping some how we’ll get to the other side of this. Whether it be together or apart. I pray someday we’ll be fully healed and be able to move on to the next thing. I’m so sorry that we can’t go back. As much as I want to I think we both know that we just can’t. Its been too long, and we’ve wandered too far.

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