For so many years, my mind has always run back to my first when its needed a safe place. For anonymity purposes, we’ll call him Uno. Its been a month since I’ve last seen him..which is a drop in the bucket compared to the last three years. I’m not entirely sure why I felt like I needed to get this out but, I need this to be out of my mind and somewhere else..even if its just a little while.
I was diagnosed with PTSD a few weeks ago. It was actually the day after I saw Uno. The first month into my 22nd year of life has probably been one of the most frightening. I’ve always felt disassociated while around other people and now..I feel that way in my own mind. There is a part of me that I don’t know..a part that’s been suppressed for most of my life and its now decided to come to the surface.
I guess the two ideas (Uno and my PTSD) have coincided because..throughout the years..dreams of Uno have given me so much comfort. Even in my travels he’s followed me and given me some sort of safe place within my mind. But, after seeing him, the dreams don’t bring that same ease they once did...
The recurring one I’ve been having since I saw him goes like this:
I wake up like my normal schedule, which is before the sun rises. I turn on the lights and see him there next to me. A ring on my finger, a ring on his. He starts to wake up to get ready for his day too. I get out of bed and walk to the bathroom to freshen up and I see that we’re expecting a baby. I’m about sixth months along. I then grab a sweater and begin to get dressed.. and I notice he’s been watching me. “You’re so beautiful.” I look back at him and reply, “I feel huge.” He smirks at me and shakes his head.
And then, that’s it. Its seriously a beautiful dream. Its pretty much to the T where I’d picture us now if we had worked out the first time. But, its not my safe place anymore.. not how it used to be..
I think the reason for it..is because after we closed our chapter..I realized that I needed something different. All my life I’ve wanted someone to love me and complete me..to find me.. But, in this moment I see that.. that isn’t something I’m going to find in a man..and I know that because I’ve looked and waited and fought for it most of my life. God, the One who made me doesn’t need to find me. He has always known where I’ve been, where I am and where I’ll go. He’s been in every last bit of my pain and all of my joys. He’s been there and He will always be there. Forever the Lifter of my head. Forever the Pursuer of my heart. Forever my Redeemer. Forever my Completion. Forever my Safe Place.