Cleatus’s guide to getting a job as a cable news anchor


Or, what happened to Candy Crowley. (Hint: The world had too much Candy, but, unfortunately, so did Miss. Crowley.)

It starts in college and here’s my first question.

You’re an incoming freshman who wants high grades but only has $100 for books. Your choices are

1) Buy used books.

2) Borrow books from friends.

3) Spent the $100 on a push up bra at Victoria Secrets.

If you chose #3, you’re well on your way to becoming a major cable news anchor.

The process goes something like this.

Step #1: Go to a college with a big name and choose a major that requires no tests, such as Poly-sci.

Step #2: Spend the time you would have spent studying in help sessions with your professor wearing the push up bra.

Step #3: Enroll in outside activities that maximize the push up bra such as wet tee shirt contests, student republicans and protest marches.

Once you’ve completed these steps, you’re set to land your first job. With your first paycheck, use that money as seed money for your career by buying more push up bra’s.

As I always told my daughter Wynette, the most important thing is to stay focused. Your ultimate goal is not a job! Jobs are for people like Christiana Amanpour who spends her time shuttling back and forth between Pakistan and Burundi interviewing characters like Sheik Yerbootie and Crown Prince Ontheweed.


For this, you’ll plenty of ammunition. This would include…

· Beauty pageants with an emphasis on swimsuit competitions.

· Photo ops in leaders in journalism like GQ, Maxim, Playboy and any auto parts calendars.

· A guest appearance on The Bachelor.

· An “interview” (with the emphasis on view) in Vanity Fair.

· A husband that’s a complete idiot and doesn’t mind watching the kids while you shake your push up bra enhanced tittys all over Manhattan.

A few things to remember…

· Remember to divorce the idiot watching your kids before you file the lawsuit.

· Try to get a job working for an old fat guy who can only get it at work using your job as an aphrodisiac.

· Work for a conservative TV station. The liberal guys are all gay.

· Don’t fall in love with the fat bastard just because he makes a lot of money. Stay on goal.

If you’re worried that you know absolutely nothing about world events and always thought that kangaroos came from Austria, don’t. The audience doesn’t either. In fact, saying something intelligent on cable news is a fast track to getting canned!

Stay focused…. Stay on target… I’ll be looking forward to seeing them… excuse me, I mean you, on cable news real soon.


Houma, Louisiana

Cleatus is a swamp boat operator in south Louisiana. You can read of his exploits in “Rat Trap”, a novel by Paul Schartzmeyer, available on

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