The one thing I’m not allowed to dislike

Take this conversation for example.

Somebody else: “Why don’t you eat liver?”
Me: “I don’t like the taste.”
Somebody else: “Fair enough.”

Now, take a seemingly similar conversation for example.

Somebody else: “Why don’t you drink alcohol?”
Me: “I don’t like the taste.”
Somebody else: “No really. Why don’t you drink?”
Me: “Really, I don’t like the taste. Also, I don’t like the buzz feeling.”
Somebody else: “<snort>Well that’s pretty high and mighty.”
Me: “Yes. Yes it is.”

In my experience, substituting ANY other word on earth, other than “alcohol”, the fact that I don’t like the taste would be enough to qualify as an acceptable answer. I would imagine that even if that word were “chocolate”, and, come on, ain’t nobody not liking chocolate!

To be fair, the majority of the people with whom I’ve had this idiotic conversation were A) already convinced that I was a pretentious prick, B) highlighted, in one way or another in various chapters of the DSM IV, C) alcoholics (functioning or otherwise) or D) in at least one case, at least two out of the three above.

The moral of the story is, if you want the conversation to be quick, the following are acceptable reasons for not drinking:

  1. “I’m a recovering alcoholic.” (That pretty much shuts them up.)

2. “My religion forbids it.” (Then make up a religion on the spot.)

3. “It counteracts a life-saving medication that I take.” (Make up medication and disease.)

4. “I’m allergic to it.” (I imagine this is a “weak” one too because haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate.)

If, however, like I, you love to let people reduce themselves to their basest, pathetic, psycho-social inadequacies, just stick with the truth, and watch them laugh in your face and call you names.

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