2017 in review: Greetings from Trump North America

Looking back at year one of the Trump presidency…

Unless that whole ‘multiple branching time lines’ thing is a thing I don’t need tell you what a game changer my cracking of time travel was/is/will be/always has been. Nor do I need to bore you with just how ridiculously easy it turned out to be to achieve with just a few household items. Instead, let’s get straight to my review of 2017.

So one full year and a couple of months into the Donald J Trump presidency and what have we learned? Hahahahahahahahaha. Sorry, of course, as we all know ‘learning stuff’ is for losers, which brings me to the first glorious innovation to emerge from post-democracy USA — or Trump North America (TNA) as it was rebranded shortly after ‘the Donald’s’ coronation.

From intolerance to LSRDAQ

Being intolerant and hate-mongering out of power is not the same thing as being intolerant and hate-mongering in power, and even Prez Trump had to change his tune somewhat once he entered government and suddenly found himself having to work from within the political system he’d been so proud of being apart from during the presidential campaign.

Key to this was the emerging need to codify what ‘a loser’ actually was since, at one time or another, the definition included everybody in the world apart from Trump himself. And so, on ascent to the White House, he began issuing monthly bulletins to press agencies listing all official losers as defined by the TNA Government.

Which was fine, but pretty rapidly it became clear that Binary Loser Status (BLS) wasn’t nearly as subtle an indicator as was required to prioritise the various irritants buzzing around in the President’s head. After all, were the members of a terrorist cell more or less of a bunch of losers than, say, menstruating women, or a blogger who suggested President Trump’s hair looked like a Chow Chow had fucked a Shredded Wheat?

And so the LSRDAQ was created. Essentially turning TNA national loser status into a capitalist enterprise, this exchange took various factors into account to calculate how high or low a designated loser’s stock is in Trump’s estimation at any given moment. Don’t get me wrong — they’re all still losers — but there is, at least, some kind of ranking. This has meant that, in the last six months, everything from Planned Parenthood, wind farms and Democrats to POWs and ‘biting a hotdog and farting sauerkraut onto the crotch of your tan slacks’ has become a commodity that can be traded for profit or loss.

Indeed, there are arguably more lobbyists for LSRDAQ properties in Washington now than for the NASDAQ 100. And in the future? Well, it’s not inconceivable that ‘Feckless, Sponging Immigrants Who Want To Take Our Lives and Jobs’ (‘FSI’ on the LSRDAQ) could end up making a significant financial contribution to the country — kind of like they were doing for the USA for hundreds of years before Trump chased them out beyond the walls.

Walls flower

Oh, the walls — the beautiful, plentiful walls of the Trump presidency. Turns out the Donald wasn’t joking when he said he’d build a wall to stop Mexicans from crossing over into the US. And yes, it is a very good-looking wall. Finished in classic Trump marble and gold (as is much of the country now) it stretches as far as the eye can bear to look. However it’s singularly failed in its expressed intent — to keep immigrants out. Not because resourceful souls have tunnelled beneath it or found ways around it. More because, when Trump was voted into power, that very fact was an incredibly effective deterrent to anyone visualising their dreams coming true in TNA. So by the time the wall was finished it was akin to putting a condom on a syphilitic shut-in and claiming that’s why nobody got pregnant.

Anyway, the wall has gone on to be very useful at keeping all the mouth breathers who voted for Trump in the country. That and the gorgeous carved, hardwood wall erected along the border with Canada. Oh, and all the super-fashionable walls private citizens have put up around their God-fearing homes/compounds. And that companies have built around their stores, and states have built around their borders to stop losers from other states just blithely wandering into their perfect corners of the greatest nation on Earth.

Is this progress? It’s hard to say — but sotto voce reports from the Kremlin have it that sometime in September 2017, President Putin decided to invade TNA while the rest of the world was still figuring out whether to laugh or cry at the self-actuated asshattery of the USA. Allegedly, his small but powerful invasion force entered Alaska via the Bering Sea and made rapid progress, reaching Seattle in just under three days, whereupon it got lost in a baffling maze of pointless walls around every sodding thing and was never heard from again.

So maybe the walls have inadvertently served a purpose. The United Nations certainly thinks so. Having recovered from President Trump’s appropriation of its New York headquarters as a boutique for the Ivanka Trump Collection, the UN, which continues to recognise the nation of the USA in absentia, has suggested that perhaps TNA consider building a roof to go with its walls, and that the rest of the world would be happy to contribute to the cost of its construction. The President has yet to respond formally, but as of writing this, has welcomed what he sees as the world’s tacit approval of his leadership.