An open letter to the Bothan Spymaster
With all six Star Wars movies finally released digitally and Episode VII hitting cinemas before the end of the year, I’ve found this dangling thread from Return of the Jedi…
From: General Madine
The Galactic Senate of the New Republic
Coruscant
4 ABY
To: Bothan Ambassador Genki Desuka
The Galactic Senate of the New Republic
Coruscant
Re: Renewing your contract
Dear Ambassador Desuka:
May I begin by thanking you for the fruit basket? I agree; it’s not every day you defeat a Galactic Empire and end an age of tyranny and oppression in the universe, so choosing an appropriate gift must have been hard. Rest assured, though, Mon Mothma and I loved the heirloom peaches. And while Admiral Ackbar didn’t join us for the fruit, he did take the handsome wicker presentation basket home. I believe he and his spawning partner, Jeff, are keeping their egg sacks in it.
Between the two of us, your thoughtful gift makes this next bit all the more difficult to say, but say it I must, and as the head of the Bothan Spy Network, you’re really the only one I can bring this to. To get straight to the point, the New Galactic Republic won’t be renewing its contract with you to provide espionage services.
Now I know what you’re going to say: “Just because old Palpatine is dead and the Empire shattered into a thousand pieces, it doesn’t mean that you won’t need spies.” And if that were the reason for not renewing I’d concede you have a very good point. If anything, with diehard Imperial officers fleeing for cover in the far recesses of the galaxy, our ragtag Rebel forces now thrust into government, and Gungans “Meesa Meesahing” all over the Senate again, we’re going to need more ears on the ground and in orbit than ever before.
No, the reason we won’t be renewing your contract is that your agents are irredeemably shit and almost cost us the entire war. Yes, Bothan spies did manage to get us a copy of the blueprints for Death Star 2.0, and believe me we’re as grateful for that as I am personally that your nephew, Gla’Trant, spent the weekend before the Battle of Endor coding that wireframe thingy for my presentation. Everyone loved it. That said, there were a couple of tiny bits of information that were missing from your team’s intel and that, with hindsight, might have made all the difference to our plans for the big day.
First of all there’s the small matter of the incomplete Death Star 2's weapons being — what’s the technical term? Oh, yes — completely f*****g operational. A fact that somehow didn’t make it into your briefing to Mothma and I, and whose significance wasn’t lost on the 3798 crew members of the Capital Ship “Primrose” vaporised by the Death Star’s super laser the moment they jumped out of hyperspace.
Then there’s an even more worrying failure of Bothan intelligence — that Emperor Palpatine knew about THE WHOLE BLOODY ATTACK THE ENTIRE TIME and played peek-a-boo using the Imperial Naval Fleet behind Endor. I’m sorry, Genki, but really? Really? Bothans are renowned across the galaxy for their espionage skills and — you know what? This is something else that has bothered the crap out of me for years. I’m no expert but surely having your people known far and wide as the most deviously gifted spies in the galaxy makes it, oh I don’t know, impossible to turn up anywhere without everyone who’s not Bothan checking for their wallets and tripling security?
Which brings me to another issue. During the Battle of Endor briefing Mon Mothma tearfully acknowledged that “Many Bothans died to bring us this information”. With the exception of General Solo, who continued to manspread and roll his eyes in the front row, I think it’s fair to say everyone in the room was moved beyond words. However, what seemed at the time to indicate enormous and selfless sacrifice for the Rebel cause now smacks of carelessness at best, and sheer incompetence at worst.
Unfair, you say? Well, I did a little research after the dust had settled and I’d shaken off my hangover from the Endor celebrations (having shotgunned Ewok ale all night I can see why they carry Chief Chirpa around in a chair), and do you know what your spies’ elaborate plan was to finesse information on the Death Star 2? I’ll tell you: to turn up with hard hats every day at the construction site looking for casual work and, wherever they ended up bolting, sawing, plastering or sweeping up shavings, demand to see detailed schematics for THE ENTIRE BATTLESTATION and the Emperor’s schedule. Frankly, if Palpatine hadn’t left that thumb drive in his spare hoodie I don’t think I’d be writing this letter to you today. So thanks, but I think we’ll look elsewhere for our spies in the future. In fact anywhere there aren’t any Bothans skulking around whistling nonchalantly.
Sincerely,
General Crix Madine
