My broken praise

I have asked a group of college students to write about an experience of God in their lives. This is the first story of this series, written by Allie, a college sophomore:

My Broken Praise

Pain.

A unique kind of pain. Sharp, pulsing, constant. It was always there, sometimes I called it my “monster;” this creature that lived inside of my head constantly taunting me, attacking me. It awoke with me in the morning and it whispered sour goodnights in my ear before I rest my head on the pillow.

I lived with daily migraines for four years. Well, pulsing headaches were the main symptom. There were also dizzy spells, vision problems, issues with concentration, episodes of passing out. But I experienced migraines daily. You would think that I would have just adjusted to the never-ending pain. I always wondered if my pain receptors in my head ever got tired of receiving all of those signals day in and day out. But they didn’t. There was no break, there was no relief.

January 8th, 2012 was the day it all started. I remember it so distinctly. After a couple months of the discomfort, I began to fear that it might not ever go away. I had already seen several doctors and they all said that the pain would cease over time, I just needed to be patient. But I was getting worried…and this was the point in my journey where I truly began to cry out to The Lord for healing.

The fear of living with this pain for an extended amount of time instilled in me a terror that I will never forget.

I began to pray for myself like I had never before in my life. I cried out to God for physical redemption…I begged him to display His mercy upon me.

My family & friends prayed for years.

I prayed for months. I prayed for months until the sting of bitterness began to find its place in my heart. I prayed until I decided that prayer wasn’t working and I needed an alternative solution to the debilitating hurt I was experiencing.

Month after month passed, year after year passed, high school itself passed. It all passed without any easing of the pain, without any form of relief. Each day I grew more and more tired. Every moment I was battling the detrimental feelings of defeat and being simply worn.

I had seen over 20 specialists during those four years. None had an answer to remove my mystical “monster” that lived within my head. I eventually told my mom that I was done seeing doctors. I needed a break from the emergency rooms, hospital beds, tests, and MRI’s. I had finally accepted defeat and I rested with the fact that I was created to live with mortal pain for the remainder of my time here on earth.

My mom asked me to see one more doctor. She said that he was in high demand and my appt. would not be for another 6 months anyways. I agreed.

Fast forward 6 months and I was driving to Portland, OR to meet this “wonder” doctor that was supposed to run some tests on me that I had never undergone before. I pulled in to the Skull Base Center, told myself to change my attitude, to take hold of any faith I had left in the miracle business of the Lord, and to participate in whatever the doctor would have me do with an open mind.

Fast forward another 3 months and I found myself sitting there in the white walled claustrophobic examination room on a September evening, squeezing my mom’s hand as Dr. Wachym told me I had a condition called Superior Semicircular Canal Dehiscience and I would need brain surgery. Tears rolled down my cheek….I wiped my nose, stood up, and gave Dr. Wachym the most sincere hug I could offer.

This could be the answer to my all of my pain.

This could be the healing I have been praying for these many years. My mom spoke out as if she had been holding onto these words for decades,

“When can we schedule the surgery?? She starts school in California in January and I don’t want to send her to college until she is fixed. Please, please, tell me you can get her in before then.”

Dr. Wachym’s face went grave.

“Our next opening is not until next April, she will have to wait until then to get surgery.”

My heart sunk. I had just gone from on top of Mt. Everest to the bottom of the Marina trench. Is God teasing me now?

I looked at the hurt on my mom’s face, as it was a direct reflection of what I was feeling in my own heart.

I reached into the deepest part of my soul, and let out two words to my Father in heaven.

“Please, God.”

Instantaneously, there was a still small knock on the door. Dr. Wachym told the knocker to go ahead and enter. The secretary of the office poked her head in,

“Sorry to interrupt, I just thought I would let you know that we just got a call for a surgery cancellation on the 28th of October.”

I looked at my mom and my mom looked at me. The day before my 18th birthday.

She looked at Dr. Wachym.

“We will take that spot. And Doctor, I hope that you believe in God because he is very real.”

Fast forward two months. I was one month post-brain surgery and symptom free.

I was healed. Completely healed.

For the first moments in 4 years, I was living my life without a headache. My mind was clear and I could walk a straight line without falling over.

This — THIS was my experience with God.

He healed me despite my unbelief in His faithfulness.

He healed me despite my absence of hope in His love for me.

An, He healed me despite my lack of trust in His divine plan.

I lift my broken, broken praise to Him. For my mom was right — God is very real.