United Express

Welcome aboard United Express, owned and operated by a spun-off subsidiary called Chautauqua Airlines and the Republic of China.

Our United Express flights are designed for the efficient delivery of you and the hundreds of other United’s frequently
stranded passengers. You will be pleased to know that our high standards require us, by law, to get you within 700 miles of your intended destination within the mandated four-day deadline before providing alternate transportation through another, more reliable, airline.

We are also proud to use these Express flights for training our new pilots and flight attendants — some of whom will successfully graduate and move on to better paying careers
with other airlines. Our motto Is: “You’re in God’s hands so don’t worry!”

Once we reach cruising altitude, in about two hours, the captain will turn off the seatbelt and non-smoking signs. Both signs are backwardly illuminated by the same light bulb. That’s why they’re both either on or off. If your signs never go off, you won’t be allowed to smoke and you must keep your
seatbelt on for the entire flight.

United Express prides itself on its progressive stance opposing the supposed “medical experts” who deny the health benefits of smoking. For those of you whose no smoking and seatbelt lights do eventually turn off, at that time you may feel free to get up and limp around the cabin until the blood begins to circulate in your lower extremities. Because of the narrowness of the aisle, please restrict thoroughfare to one person at a time, yielding to flight attendants and the emergency medical personnel who are also suffering from motion discomfort.

The captain would like to remind you that anyone caught by our potty surveillance cameras, in the act of dismantling the lavatory smoke detectors, will be immediately bound and gagged and stowed in the unpressurized luggage compartment. Perpetrators will be sentenced to three consecutive life prison terms in the Republic of China.
Those caught tempering with the overhead electrical fans, lights or chair armrests will have their electrical tool boxes confiscated by Federal Marshals, identifiable by their single
earphone with the pale tan spiraling wire (trailing from their ear). Dismantlers will be handcuffed for the remainder of the trip with a hood over their head and then executed upon
landing.

In our final descent, once the captain has turned on the no smoking and seatbelt lights, you have five seconds to comply before a series of aerial barrel rolls and abrupt assents.
This flight is part of a Cleveland air show (which is detailed in the fine print on the back flap of your luggage folder). For an English translation of these stipulations, please call our toll-free automated customer service line in Bombay.

Meanwhile, sit back, try to stretch your feet out (as fully as they’ll extend) and enjoy your flight with us. But don’t dismantle any of the other electrical devices on this aircraft
under penalty of Federal Law!