Word Vomit; A Break Up
I don’t think i'll ever feel loved ever again. Which is so stupid I know. I know there’s people who love me. But this one person’s love. I felt that it was all I needed. I still feel like it’s all I need. Like we could conquer anything and everything. And now that I am no longer lovable to this person, I feel like I am the most awful terrible unlovable person in the entire world. I feel so alone. I’ve lost my best friend. I’ve lost the first person to have shown me such love and care. And I don’t deserve to be loved like that ever again.
Its impossible to not pity myself. I’m not sure if I’m one in a billion who feels this way. I’m sure I’m not. It feels like it’s the only thing I’m good at, the only thing my mind can latch onto. Making myself feel like shit and justifying that feeling. Its like I don’t have the capacity to feel for others when I’m like this. And I know its bad and I know it’s annoying but I can’t shut my brain off. No amount of trying to think better or happy thoughts seems to help. We get so sick of feeling sorry for themselves, of not being able to love others completely and fully. We feel like we can never really love anyone fully. We’ll only pity ourselves. And turn people away because of that.
Even now I feel like I’m annoying my family and friends, complaining about a break up. I’m not sure what to do with all this time. All this empty time. I seem to be fine during the day, work and watching stupid videos, family to talk to. But it’s the night that’s the worst. I find myself wide awake, not letting myself sleep. I’m not sure why. I almost feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like I should stay awake, torture myself with memories I’ll probably never get to relive. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to wake up another day feeling like shit. Feeling empty.
I wonder if every break up feels like this? It feels like it’ll never end. The want to talk, the sadness , the hurt, the emptiness. The person who fills your every space and minute is suddenly unattainable. Unreachable. And every time you reach out you make it worse. More likely that the person wont want you back. But you have to keep pressing and pushing, hoping for one small crack of light that tells you its ok. It’ll go back to normal. And that’s all you want, is for things to be normal.
It’s silent. Everything is silent. Your heart, your mind, your phone. Its like being dropped into a pit, blindfolded and limbs tied. You’re not sure which way is up, where to go how to start again.
I don’t want to have lost two years of my life. Two years of my love, gone. I cant help but thinking that something is wrong with me. I’m always forgetting, thinking about panicking, panicking, can’t calm down. Brain is too loud with the panicking. Thinking about yourself, yourself, yourself. If he cant help you and stick it out then he doesn’t love you. But it’s not his job to stick it out. If he can’t stick it out, its not his fault. he deserves attention and love too. I feel so terrible for holding him down for two years. Feeling like he’s never been loved.
I hope I can fix this. Anxiety? Depression? I hope I can conquer it. So that people I love don’t have to worry about me. So people that I love can be loved back so fully that its all they’ll feel for the rest of their lives. I thought that I showed love as much as I could. Everyone is selfish, humans are selfish. But it seems I’m just too much. Too much selfishness. When I panic, I think about me. People helping me to calm down, needing help to calm down, needing attention to calm down. But I am also selfish when other people are angry or irritated. I cry. I think I am the cause of the anger, the hurt, the irritation. Even if I am, I shouldn’t focus on myself, I should focus on that other person, understand how they feel. But I want to fix it, fix the situation, how can I fix the situation? But that’s not what they want, they just want to be listened to. But I don’t know how to listen without helping, need to help, want to help. How do I listen without helping?
I never seem to understand, I’m told the reason for something, but I seem to forget. Or I don’t understand? So they get more angry more irritated more hurt. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong? Or what I’ve said wrong, wrote wrong. I don’t understand, I need things to be explained to me. Is that annoying? I need explanations, multiple times, to understand. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.
I thought I was loving right. I thought I was trying my best. To live with another person who loves me. Going through life, trying to help, trying to love. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. And maybe that’s the problem? I can only think about myself so I don’t want to hear what I’ve done wrong.
I shouldn’t love anyone else, because I don’t know if I can fix myself. I don’t know how to fix this. The selfishness, the pity. How do I know if I can love someone else correctly, enough that they won’t start to regret being with me, investing time and money in me. How do I know they won’t get tired of my selfishness, of my self pity? Half the time I can’t love myself. People say that you can’t love someone unless you love yourself. But I have loved. So fully that I don’t think the hurt will ever stop. I can and will love. But what if I don’t love myself enough, and I need other’s love to fill the void? I need constant reassurance. I am insecure. How do I become confident? How do I become capable of loving properly? Or am I doomed to love wrongly and incorrectly, only hurting those I choose to love?