“40 Things…” Day 8 — BLAME

Another thing to give up that hits close to home right! Blame is something I think we all struggle with. Something goes wrong and we don’t want to take responsibility for “our end of the deal” and so we blame others.

In the line of work I do, I spend time with a LOT of couples and people who are going through struggles. Often times they come to me and are very focused on the wrong done to them by someone else. They’ve said or done something that has hurt them…and they are trying to process it. Often in these situations, I’m reminded of the saying…

“It Takes Two To Tango!”

In other words, what they did or are doing is hard and perhaps you can’t change it, BUT….you CAN change/control YOUR response to it! AND as a follower of Jesus, that is your calling….to see the other person and yourself through the lens of God’s grace and mercy. But also to see yourself through the lens of God’s plan in all of this!

We come by our blaming tendencies honestly though. Like “Lady Gaga”, we were “Born This Way”! When confronted by God with their sin, Adam does what we all do….He blames.

“The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” — Genesis 3:12

But notice what Adam says. “This woman YOU gave…”. Adam doesn’t JUST blame Eve…He blames God!

I hear this all the time! Why did God _____________? Just because something “bad” happens, we seem to automatically think that somehow God is to blame! It’s quite possible (dare I say probable) that within the will of man, man is capable of screwing up…of going his own way….of making choices that are contrary to God’s desire! This is of course what the evil one wants! He wants us to think that since God is sovereign over all….that HE is the source of evil and bad things. It’s a subtle twist of the lie he told Eve. “Did God really say…” and the implication is this:

IF God is so “good”….why is He holding out on you?

Why does HE let bad things happen? IF He is God, then why ______? This IS how the evil one works! Subtly shifting the blame to God….when at the same time….”tempting us to use our will for things, decisions contrary to God’s will”. The devil is trying to play both ends off the middle….to keep us in pain and blaming God for all our ills that we’ve done to ourselves. He’s pretty slick that way!

But, let’s be honest here. God could have made us all as robots. Simply obeying His will. Simply doing what He tells us automatically and without fail, without thought…without question….right? BUT, that is NOT how He made us! He made us with a will…like HE has. He made us in HIS IMAGE! He made us to love and respond and to want….HIM (in the same way HE WANTS US). And in that…He also created man with the free will to say yes to Him….or…..no. AFTER the fall….our “yes” was corrupted….and now we’ve become slaves to our “no”. In other words, our will became bound…to resist God….to say “no” to Him and to obey our flesh, the evil one and the world. “Paradise Lost” has to do with how sin put us in prison to obey it. St. Paul picks this up in Romans 6 when he’s talking about being “slaves to sin”. Prior to the fall, our will was completely free. After the fall…it was “bound”. This is why Jesus came! “To set us free from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:2). Being originally created in the “Image of God” and having free will, was perhaps the greatest attribute of our being….to be able to say “yes” or “no” to Him. Because God wanted our “yes” to be out of LOVE…not pure obedience. Oh, the depths of our fallenness when we lost that!

But we can still see glimpses of it. It CAN be restored through Jesus!

For example: In “good” marriages, the couple responds to one another…not out of some slavish obedience to some vow they made. NO, they respond to one another out of “love” right? I mean if I declared to my wife: “I am staying with you today because I made a vow”, that may be true…and legal (or legalistic) but that’s NOT going to draw her to me. She’s going to think what you probably thought….does he love her? OR is he just with her because of the vow? If she knows I love her…then she knows it’s more than the vow….it’s that the “two become one”. And that’s demonstrated not in showing her a marriage license…but in how I speak to her, care for her, provide for her, encourage her, believe in her….am patient with her….kind to her….don’t keep a record of her wrongs….etc. IN OTHER WORDS….how I LOVE her!

The Two….Tango!

But when sin enters in….to any relationship….love becomes “blame”. One inevitably hurts the other….and then the sin in the one hurt reacts….and quicly degrades to “this WOMAN (or MAN) YOU gave me God! It’s YOUR fault!!!!

When I “blame”, I cease to…LOVE.

And when I cease to love….I cease to be in God’s image.

Well, there is a solution right? It’s not complicated…but it’s not easy either. It’s simply confession and absolution. It’s coming “clean” with “my end of the deal”…even if I didn’t “start it”. Regardless of who made the first “move”…I certainly respond to it. Often how we respond is where we sin. We don’t handle our hurt or anger or pain well…and instead of forgiving…we use it against the one who hurt us. Somehow we think we’re justified in doing that. And yet…God shows us we’re never justified in using hurt as an excuse. HE alone is Judge. But man…is it hard to remember that!

To Think About: Perhaps today, there’s someone in your life you’ve been “blaming”? There’s only one way out! Confess it to God….confess it to them. Ask for forgiveness for holding on to it….and holding it against them. Give it up for Lent…and for life! You’ll be happier….more peace FULL….and closer to God and to them!

Tomorrow…the relative of blame…. “Guilt”