The Unhelpful Things (and the one best thing) people said to me when my husband died
My husband died in 2015 of a “widow-maker” coronary. He seemed healthy and then one day he just died.
Disclosure: I am married now to another wonderful man. This article refers to my previous marriage.
After my husband died, I was devastated. I learned from many well meaning people what not to say to someone who is grieving.
“Everything happens for a reason.” My reply out of my drunken raging grief: “And what might that be?” Followed by awkward silence. This is a phrase I’ve learned to never use when speaking to a suffering person since it is profoundly unhelpful.
“God is punishing you because you cheated on your first husband.” There is some truth here. I did cheat. It is the biggest mistake and regret of my life. The divorce and receiving subsequent hatred from fellow Christians felt like punishment enough. I don’t believe God punishes by death of a loved one; since I believe in God, I believe that He put the punishment for all sin on His Son, Jesus Christ. Anyway, telling someone suffering that God is punishing them is not helpful.
“Your husband ate the Lord’s Supper unworthily, so he died before his time.” When this was said to me, I actually thought it might be true. This is a teaching in the Bible that I don’t fully understand. The pastors I have asked usually dodge the answer. I would never say this to someone who just lost a loved one. Not helpful.
“How can I help you?” My best friend asked me this the day after my husband died. This was the best thing anyone said to me during this time. and now is my go-to when speaking to someone who is suffering. My reply to her was, “Just listen.” I got lots of coffees and casseroles when he died, but a listening ear was just the best!
“I don’t know what to say.” The person who said this to me was very awkward. That’s OK. Dealing with grief is awkward! I said, “Thank you for talking to me in a non-judgmental way.” In the too-many funerals I’ve been to since my husband’s, I will say, “There are no words.” Most of the time, there aren’t any words anyway. Just someone’s presence is enough.
I also want to say that I don’t hate Christians. I am one myself. My husband’s death made me a true Christian. When he died, my first prayer screamed to God was, “Why the f — — did you take my husband?” That was the first honest prayer I’ve ever prayed in my life. Before that I was a hypocrite.
This is my first article for Medium. Thank you for reading. I’m not sure what exactly I will write about in the future but this seemed like a good start.
