new year’s eve.

we are mere minutes away from

the beginning of a brand new year.

a fresh start, a reset of sorts.

i see others

kissing their loved one,

downing vodka,

reminiscing the past year,

laughing until it hurts.

that

is how you’re supposed to spend new years.

so

why do i have to be alone?

in the dark

my thoughts take control.

so, let’s reminisce this year, shall we?

i lost almost every friend i had.

even the ones i gained,

only showed me they weren’t real.

i lost every boyfriend i had,

and they left me with wounds i’ll never recover from.

my grades dropped,

my weight rose.

i lost my virginity.

i lost my identity.

i was forced to find strength.

i found pain, real pain.

the kind that makes you look at sharp objects a little differently.

the kind that keeps you up on new years to write about it, instead of partying.

the kind that makes you wake up one morning and stop loving everyone and everything you loved yesterday.

this year

everyone needed me.

everyone needed me to be strong,

to listen,

to speak up,

to stay quiet,

to understand,

to be funny and smart and pretty,

and 9 times out of 10

i couldn’t deliver.

i’ve been screwed over in more ways than one.

i’m not okay this year.

in 6 minutes, it’ll be next year.

i wish

i really wish

i could be kissing him,

i could be reliving with her,

or that i could be laughing with them,

but instead i’m here.

maybe

in 6 minutes

i’ll start learning how to be okay again.

and maybe in 6 months

it will have made all the difference.

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