Why Do We Still Have Sex With Someone After Feeling Violated By Them?
There I was, laying in bed with the ex while camping. The ambiance was full of sexual chemistry and my body full of intoxicants. Things started heating up and he started playing with me. I won’t deny it, I really enjoyed this. What came next tho was the tip of his cock rubbing against me. This bothered immensely for I have an agreement with my primary poly partner that protection is to always be used. But more so, I want protection to be used as my own act of self love for my body.
I stopped and told him that I wouldn’t have sex with him if he didn’t have a condom on, and also that I was bleeding. He asked if I had one, I replied no. He didn’t either. I thought my words would put a stop to it… but he continued to rub. I had a tampon inside me, his rubbing turned into pushing in slightly. He kept going. I pulled out the tampon from the pain of his thrusting. I then covered my vagina to avoid penetration, but he just moved it with his cock. He wasn’t stopping.
My mind screamed, “No! Stop it! I don’t want this! I told you I didn’t want sex without a condom! My partners won’t forgive me!”
My body said, “You kind of want this. You have history. You let him do it before years ago. You enjoy the attention. You want sex. Do it.”
I stopped resisting and had sex with him.
In the morning I sat him down and told him that what he had done really made me feel violated. I wanted sex, but not like that. I understood that the situation progressed in a way that it’s not terribly surprising it went there… but I only wanted sex if there was a condom in use.
I had made plans the day prior with the couple that was camping with us, that I really wanted to follow through with. It was also his birthday, and so many people had bailed on coming out. I felt like I needed to stay, but I couldn’t figure out what to do. I figured if we talked about our std records, how recent they were, and actually bought condoms that I would be able to stay the whole weekend, enjoy myself and have safe sex.
But wait, he blatantly disrespected me. He violated my trust. He hurt me. Why did I agree? I started feeling hardcore cognitive dissonance, which is defined as a mental discomfort experienced by a person who simultaneously holds contradictory beliefs, ideas or values.
I texted my primary partner and admitted what happened. As expected, he was hurt. I told him I felt violated. He offered to come get me since I rode up with my ex. I told him I wanted to stay and enjoy myself, and had told him of the conversation I had had that morning with my ex and that I was going to do it again, but right this time.
Wait, what? Why? Why did I say that? Why did I do that?
When the weekend was over and I made it home, turmoil unfolded. Why did I do it? I couldn’t even answer that for myself. I decided to talk to my girlfriend about what happened. As I explained the events, I realized what happened.
I forgave him for his actions, and had sex again, because I didn’t want to feel raped.
“Every single woman who has ever had sex with men has had experiences like that, blurred lines and conflicted emotional responses and our reactions not making logical sense when we feel pressured and we don’t want to believe the guy would do that. We want to believe we can trust them so we make reasons and excuses in our mind. Add drugs and being horny to the mix and it’s a mess waiting to happen.” A text she sent in reply. It speaks volumes to exactly what happened.
So, is there any explanation of things that might have contributed to this playing out like it did?
NOTE: This does not justify any behaviors or decisions made by either party, but I believe it might shed light on some of these questions asked.
Below is a video that talks about lust and how it inhibits us from thinking rationally.
“Lust often has the effect of minimizing the reasoning capacity in humans. People who are in the throws of lust may lose their sensibilities. Since lust seems unable to recognize the reality of a situation or motivates one to neglect… Lust is an octane for the relentless pursuit of another person in spite of intellectual reason and sometimes regardless of emotional barriers such as guilt or shame.”
Essentially, when one desires sex, we stop thinking logically.
The Ben Franklin Effect
When we do a person a favor, we tend to like them more as a result. This is because we justify our actions to ourselves that we did them a favor because we liked them. This is due to cognitive dissonance. This video explains a bit more.
So how does this relate? I believe that if you have sex with someone you did not desire sex with, cognitive dissonance kicks in and you are forced to rationalize why you agreed to it in the first place. Because you must like them enough to have done it, right? I believe it helps one cope better with the guilt and shame involved when faced with this situation.
There are many online resources to help you through a traumatic experience such as this one:
I also believe that going through enlightenment can also help you free yourself from this moment in your life. This next video is hard to comprehend but it may just release you from the pain you feel. I also suggest looking into more videos by this man. It will transform you.
There is so much that can happen to cause us pain, confusion and hurt. Sometimes we make decisions that we don’t even understand why we did. I hope that this article and these videos shed just a tiny bit of light on your understanding of why you might still have sex even after feeling violated by someone.
I truly hope that you find the healing that you are looking for.