Plenty of us have attended a convention in our lives, myself this year alone I have been to four with a fifth just over a week away. We all get have different experiences and reasons to go, for me it’s the feeling of being around so many like minded people who all for that period of time have one thing in common. Very much like watching a football match or seeing a concert, sometimes tens of thousands all in one place, sharing stories and making memories.
But what is Post-con depression and how does it affect us?
Post-con depression, also known as PCD or Post-con syndrome, is a temporary mental condition that can occur in individuals near the end of or shortly after a convention. The most common symptoms are typically physiological and include depression, lack of motivation and also insomnia.
Typical physical exhaustion through excessive amount of walking and time spent standing are massive factors involved in spending multiple days at an event, add to this the lack of sleep, the ease to maintain a poor diet and on occasion excessive alcohol. On the mental side things are very different, hard to explain we all have our own thoughts on what causes our problems so here are mine.
My very first convention was Insomnia 54 in 2015, I had no previous experience at any kind of convention and went solely for experience. I quickly found out that going to these events alone was extremely hard to deal with, I was quiet, withdrawn and in all honesty I came home thinking it had been a waste of time, I had just gotten partnered on Twitch and at the time was on a real high, attending that event brought me back down to earth real fast. I had the immense feeling of insignificance, walking around seeing people enjoying everything you do at a convention, playing games, meeting their favourite streamers/youtubers, taking part in cosplay, spending money. I came home with an open mind and determination to succeed, I wanted to go back to a convention and be more involved, be the reason that people were happy, have an influence. So despite the negatives I found I took the one huge positive. Several conventions later including Twitchcon in San Diego I still have the same drive and passion to be part of these events in any form I can be whether it’s as a featured creator or a punter it’s important for me to go and have fun, that’s what I do.
When I returned for TwitchCon in October I was one of the many who got some kind of flu, it wiped me out for some considerable time(5 weeks). In that period is when my worst case of post-con depression kicked in. I had been to America for the first time, met friends of over two years for the first time and flown for the first time. For me this was a massive and I never really knew or expected the fallout from this to be so huge. Here is how I feel;
I met hundreds of people some who know me and some who it was the first time. I tried my best to be the positive side of me and leave a good first impression, to be friendly, polite and not show how I was really feeling, anxious, scared, frightened of how people would perceive me. I think I did a pretty good job all being told. However the depression side of things leaves me feeling like all the people I met had no significance on them, especially when you see interactions going on, kinda like there is a party going on and you weren’t invited but its happening next door and you can see and hear everyone having a great time without you.
I have noticed l have lost all my motivation and belief in myself, I can’t get enough spirit to sit down at my PC and say today I’m going to stream, I have the feeling that I have been away so long there is nothing to come back to. I see so many of my amazing friends having major success as of late, that used to be me. I’m fighting the feeling that everything I have worked so hard for in almost three years is slipping through my fingers, two months ago I didn’t feel like this, I was on top of the world it just shows how easy it is for depression in the form of PCD to take over your mind. In July I was a guest on a friends podcast and this was something I brought up in a question, how do you deal with conventions and the periods afterwards? The advice I was given is something I wished I had been able to do, keep your routines, keep your mindset, stay in touch with your friends and most importantly do not let yourself lose sight of what your motivation is for attending these events. Sadly I seemed to have let all those happen, not deliberately more like a domino affect.
The question is how do I make a comeback?
Something happened to me this year, I changed, for all my adult life I hadn’t taken any care of myself, I gave it a go, it was hard, really hard. For those that know me they have seen me change to almost a person they don’t recognise, healthier, more active and more positive. I firmly believe that is who I am now, it’s the happiest I have ever been. This depressive period is keeping me away from the things I love, the things I am good at, the one thing I truly believe can change my life and along the way change other people’s, twitch. I don’t reach out for help often, having mental health issues is hard to talk about even with people you know understand, I have done that recently, I am getting help, it’s working albeit a little slower.
For me and many others Twitch has become home, I’m not going anywhere, putting this down in writing has helped me, hopefully PCD will pass soon, I had no idea that I was suffering so badly, once all the issues I had had been resolved I found this underneath. I will be giving this everything I have, I want to be back on your screens as soon and as regular as possible.
Brian/John/pulpy
PS I wrote this with a smile, that’s progress :)
