Self doubt and opportunities

This past few days I’ve really struggled behind the camera and here’s why.

If anybody suffers from anxiety you know it can come out of the blue and pretty much ruin anything good you have going on and sometimes it’s hard not to let it, this time it got me good for a few days,

With TwitchCon on the horizon financial problems have arisen, a few issues with tips/chargebacks have left me in a situation which is going to be hard to rectify on my own, I have asked so much from my community that I have to absorb this one myself, this has been a great strain on my mind for a few weeks now. Add to that my weight loss has come to a grinding halt, this was expected but my god it has been tough with the amount of extra work I’ve been doing to see very little results has hit my confidence.

Now the big deal that has had me in a state mentally. For those that have known me a while now you hopefully see all I put into Twitch is everything I got, literally everything, the stream has been extremely quiet at times and as somebody who is proud of what I have achieved you can’t help but be extra critical on yourself when the current situation presents itself. Now there has been some exceptional moments and on top of that we keep hitting our all time high subscribers record and beating it, this is quite astonishing and led me to this next point. I have reached out to Twitch a few times regarding extra support and advice and most times it was ‘keep doing what you’re doing, the chances will come’ well it has!!! On July 21st the accumulation of two and a half years of hard work has finally paid off, we have some front page exposure and this for me personally is HUGE!! It’s something I have wanted and worked towards since I got partnered 18 months ago and to finally achieve this on our own merit threw up some interesting thoughts. As a serial doubter of my own abilities it ate away at me that all my insecurities will be on center stage for everyone to see, all the doubts I have, that being given this chance will result in failure, this was on my mind until today.

I have come so far as a streamer and as a person that to let this opportunity fizzle out isn’t in my make up anymore, I wan’t as many people as possible to witness what we are as a community, how much fun we have and where we came from, I have learned it’s okay to doubt yourself, we all do it, some others than most and some more than they should, this is the chance of a lifetime and I’m going to do what somebody suggested to me today and ENJOY IT!!!

pulpy