H A N D S

H A N D S

I’ve been going to the Yang’s salon ever since I was nineteen.

“Mika, can you wait a sec? Jia’s with another client at the moment.”

I hate washing my hair. I hate closing my eyes. I hate the vulnerableness of it all.

“It’s alright Lily. How’s school been?”

I hate closing my eyes and remembering the feeling of his hands around my neck.

“It’s cool. I’m failing a class, though.”

So, I go to a salon on fifth street to have my hair washed every other day, around six at night.

“You and I both no Mama Jade’s gonna flip when she finds out that you’re failing.”

In particular, I like getting my hair washed by Jia.

“You know how my mom is, Mi. She chased me out the shop with a broom after she found out I took that leave of absence from school.”

I like the feeling of his hands. They don’t make me scared or anxious.

“Li, that’s your fault! You should’ve known she’d find out soon or later. Mika, just a wait a sec. I just have to set her under the dryer and I’ll be ready for you.”

I liked the tone of voice. I liked him.

I liked Jia.

×◊×

“You like that, don’t you? You like being treated this way don’t you?”

I didn’t want much from life. I was much too dulled from years of being alone.

“You love me don’t you?”

I just wanted to forget everything and start over.

“You deserve to be punished.”

I just wanted to feel normal.

“Can’t you do anything right?”

I just wanted to be loved.

×◊×

The Yang’s hair salon was a mystical place when I was younger.

“Why are you always going over here, huh?”

As in mystical, I meant it was a place of comfort and simplicity. So simplistic that I had called it my second home for ten years. My parents were gone and sister had a life of her own to live, so I was alone most of the time. That’s probably why he found me so attractive, because I was so vulnerable.

As a teen I went there often, wasting time there so I would have an excuse not to come home. Wasting my time so I wouldn’t come home to him.

“I told you yesterday I didn’t want to see you anymore, Jason! I’m just tired of it, okay? I’m tired of this! I don’t love you anymore.”

I baby sat Jia and Lily who were tiny things then. It seems so amazing how much they’ve grown, untainted from the world.

“Hey! Hey! Don’t touch her!”

Untainted from the dirty world.

×◊×

I was born to Jamaican parents who moved to New York for a new life and opportunities. I felt like was letting them down with how I was wasting the life they gave me.

“You bastard! I’ll fucking kill you!”

I’m at the age where it’s not uncommon to be married, have kids, or be somewhat happy with what I have.

“Mika, I need you to open your eyes.”

I’m not in the position where even somewhat happiness is attainable.

“Just please, open your eyes for Lily,”

It’s because I can’t forget it. I can’t forget him. I can’t forget his eyes; I can’t forget the look on his face.

“Please, open your eyes for me.”

I can’t forget his hands.

×◊×

“I’m thinking of going to Canada in a few weeks. I kind of don’t wanna be stuck at the salon all my life.”

Since I was a child, I always wondered, why did all good things have to come to an end?

“Oh really? You think Lily will take over?”

Who made up rules on happiness?

“Probably. You know hairstyling is her passion. She’ll do great.”

To take my last little piece of comfort —

“Make sure you send me a lot of letters, boy.”

How could you do that?

×◊×

Everything felt warm.

“Where’s Mika? She was supposed to come here today.”

The sky looked so serene.

“Mika! Oh my god Mika! Lily, call an ambulance!”

I wondered if death was meant to feel so peaceful.