head spinning

The heart hurts. I don’t really understand why. How it works. Why it continues. How do we experience pain of a broken heart? When we haven’t experienced a real injury. Like dreaming and then waking up out of breath, you breathe in and almost freak because it feels as though your whole body has fallen off of a cliff or 1200 foot building and you think you could’ve died. Or why do people twitch in their sleep, constantly. I have slept with a guy, cuddled all night and he would constantly twitch: I would get abruptly wake to think he was going to have an anxiety attack. Stellar star activities, as if we are all made up of a little stardust. Science and God are one of two things and people do not believe we can intertwine the two. Many say they have been through hell and back, but have they really. Hearing tragic stories and for them to build themselves from that… Is that really hell? Or something tastes like heaven, feels like heaven. I could vouch saying that after rough, passionate intercourse with a man who I thought was mine, and afterwards lying there, naked, window open: listening to Machine Gun Kelly; that there, is heaven. Was heaven.

When I got back out into the dating world after having two back-to-back, long term relationships, I tried so hard to make people stay. Obviously it never worked. That’s when I learned that every person I have met lead me to where I am now. I remember feeling so sour towards the people that made me feel special and then took a shit on me. I look back now and smile at the memories. Thankful is what I think now. And, yes, I do still daydream about doing so many things differently. But then again, who doesn’t? Right now there is only one person that I haven’t forgiven, and thankfully he doesn’t cross my mind or dreams as much anymore. Things happen for a reason. That is one of the things that constantly keeps me going. I want to know my purpose before I leave this lifetime.
One thing that makes me question so many people, is why do they want to seem like the best person. We all make mistakes, as long as you stand up to them and know what lesson has been taught, it’s okay. Many people like to run their mouths to the people they love, so that they can find pity, to make them feel like the bigger person. Stupidity is really stupid. It’s aggravating. Be the bigger person, but that’s you! I am not talking ego! Build people up, not their ego. I think that is also very important.