Lily-Rose Meadowes
Jul 23, 2017 · 3 min read

Great Response. I had a similar conversation with one of my friends a few years ago and we worked out that in reality, we reject around 95% of people. Before we even started we (obviously) ruled out all elderly people, all underage people and all learning disabled and otherwise vulnerable adults. We ruled out everyone who lived somewhere that required us to go by plane to see them (I had a long-distance relationship for awhile and it sucked). My friend also raised the point that one of her friends is allergic to cats. So on her list, cat owners would be ruled out.

Then we got to personality and compatibility. Gone was everyone right wing and those who didn’t believe in equal rights. Out were those with no (or completely different) sense of humour, along with those who have a different set of moral and ethical values. We both agreed that for us personally, it wasn’t essential for potential partners to be atheist. But they had to respect our views and not try to convert us.

When I went online and discussed this, the next one prompted someone I knew from university to call me transphobic. It had me scratching my head and still does. I am attracted only to men, as is my friend, so we ruled out women. I was told that was transphobic because women included transwomen. I don’t see how ‘I am not attracted to transwomen because I’m not attracted to women full stop and transwomen are women’ is transphobic. If you know the answer, it will be very warmly received.

So after excluding so many people, it then came down to whether or not you’re attracted to them. The vast majority you won’t be because that’s how it is. I’ve met several men whom on paper should be perfect for me, but when we met there was no spark. Sometimes I didn’t feel it, sometimes he didn’t feel it or we both didn’t feel it. And it’s ok because it’s impossible to be everyone’s cup of tea.

Ruling people out isn’t anything phobic, it just is and we do it all the time. This is why it’s a completely unreliable litmus test for homophobia. It’s not all about sex and I’d like to say that ruling people out as potential lovers is not ruling them out of your entire life. I’m a damned fine friend if I say so myself. So maybe that should be the litmus test and not sex.

[PS: Context. I happen to also have a physical disability that has caused me to have deformed limbs. When I was able to have sex, I always explained it to my lovers briefly in advance as a polite courtesy. I wanted to avoid the “Oh!’ of surprise because they were expecting something else. Very much like an unexpected penis in a women’s changing room. If you know in advance, you won’t give that response, so there will be less embarrassment all round.

Also, I was always open to the possibility that my disability and deformity could be a deal breaker. That was ok too because you can’t make yourself feel something that you don’t. Before every potential long term relationship I made sure they knew my disability would lead to where I am now, in a wheelchair. I always saw admitting it if they wouldn’t be able to cope as a sign of honesty and courage. I wanted to make it clear what they were letting themselves in for so they were able to make an informed choice regarding stepping up and stepping aside. Either option was fine and needed no explanation or validation.]