I’ve Cried So Much I Don’t Care About Anything Right Now

My therapist for the summer has been out of town recently, but I really needed to see someone, so she referred me to her colleague in the same office. On the way there, I lost the $30 I had in my pocket for co-pay. I was so upset, and on the verge of tears just because of that, so when I actually got into her office to talk to her, I let everything out. I literally cried for an entire hour. And not just a few tears here and there. I mean I really cried, intensely, for a straight hour.

I told her how I felt like I wasn’t making progress, how I was still feeling sad and lonely and how I have been blaming myself for ruining something that I thought was good. She told me it sounded as though my ex-boyfriend wasn’t really right for me. That I am an open and honest person, and that I’ve been trying to work on my issues and be better, and that he just couldn’t handle me being me, and he couldn’t accept my flaws. She said someday I will find someone who will. That’s what everyone has been saying…but where? And when? I need to get out of the mentality that I need to find someone, especially since I don’t even really WANT to be seeing anyone now.

But I need to get to a place where I am not feeling guilty over who I am, and how I react to things. I need to make sure I am doing everything I can to feel better about myself, and I absolutely need to recognize that this ex-boyfriend of mine isn’t as great as I’m remembering. He made me feel like being myself was an awful thing. And had me brainwashed into thinking that I was the one with all the issues, and that he was perfect. Because he could never really take responsibility for anything.

All this time I have been thinking that he was too good for me, and that I didn’t deserve him. My therapist said that it sounds like HE’S a little manipulative, trying to make it seem like I tricked him into sleeping with me because I was lonely. But no one made him do anything, he made his own decisions. And yet, he still blamed me for it. I was always very honest about everything before we even became serious (and also afterwards), so I don’t know what more I could possibly give. To him or to anyone.

Everyone keeps saying that eventually I’ll be okay, that I just need to give it time. I’m trying to convince myself that I will be alone forever, and that maybe that’s okay. If I can be comfortable with that idea, then I won’t have to be disappointed in the future if I do end up alone.

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