The Future

Although I am only 25, I am still sometimes crippled by the fear that I might not be living my life the best that I can. That in five years, or ten, I will look at my life and be grossly disappointed. Or regretful. Either I won’t like my job, or my personal life, or both. Or what if it’s something out of my hands? A family tragedy. A sickness. The loss of a job. Loneliness. I like to think of myself as carefree, but as I get older, I worry more and more. I just want to feel comfortable in life, instead of worrying about what’s coming next.

I keep assuming my future will be bleak and sad. It’s a terrible way to think, because it just makes me unhappy. I mean, I’ve been pretty unhappy on and off recently. And I continue to stress out about seeing my ex boyfriend with some new girl and being pulled back into the sadness even more.

I oscillate between wanting to be with someone and wanting to be alone. Sometimes everyone is disgusting to me. Usually, actually. Even my ex-boyfriend. I see a photo of him and think about how unattractive he is all of a sudden. I know I’ve mentioned that before, but I think it’s critical. I’m still not completely moved on, though. But he’s starting to just seem more and more mediocre, except when I remember how shitty he made me feel. Then I get angry. I want to punch him in the face. What a pathetic little boy he is. I deserve someone good. My mom said I’ll find someone better. Maybe. Maybe not. I’m sure someone much better exists out there, but what are the chances of him liking me, too? Probably not great.

I’m trying so hard to be okay.