Becoming a Single Mom by Choice: The Storm Before The Rainbow

Looking at my beautiful daughter now, you’d never guess the journey that led me here — a life that feels straight out of a movie. Living in Barbados, where my nanny is my secret weapon for seamlessly managing both my role as a Single Mom by Choice (SMBC) and entrepreneur, everything seems to flow seamlessly. But let me take you back to where it all began, to the storm before the rainbow.

We live in a world that often insists on a “one-size-fits-all” approach to motherhood. But the usual script where you meet Mr. Right, get married, and have kids doesn’t work for everyone. There’s a misconception that SMBCs are lonely or can’t find a man — that’s far from the truth. Some women prioritize careers or different goals, putting dating on the back burner. But even when dating is a priority, relationships may fail for various reasons. Unfortunately, waiting too long to find a partner can present challenges, as good, available men become scarce with age. As time passes, many potential partners get married, or feel emotionally unavailable, and the remaining men may not align with the qualities we seek in a partner or a potential father for our children. The reality is that navigating the dating landscape brings its own set of complexities.

Choosing Me: Failed Relationships and My Decision to Freeze My Eggs

In my case, dating was part of the journey, but red flags couldn’t be ignored. Settling down with someone who wasn’t worth it wasn’t on my agenda. For a long time, my focus was on myself and my business, but there came a moment when I decided to gift myself something invaluable — time and fertility. At 35, in 2019, I took charge of my destiny, freezing my eggs and granting myself the time to meet Mr. Right. Little did I know that the Universe had other plans, the pandemic hit, and needless to say, actively dating wasn’t an option.

During this unplanned pause, I engaged in introspective work that led to a deep realization — I was more determined to be a mom than a wife.

The Turning Point: Choosing Single Motherhood

Motherhood became my priority, and I was ready to embark on the journey on my own if necessary. This decision marked the turning point, leading me to the empowering path of Single Motherhood by Choice. This journey took me from the vibrant streets of Miami to the serene landscapes of Barbados, chasing down my dreams through affordable fertility options.

I sold my house, but it wasn’t just a real estate move. It was a symbolic act, cutting ties with society’s rigid standards. This journey symbolized not just starting my family but rebelling against the narrow view of motherhood that society often imposes.

So, why Barbados? It held the key to my dreams — the place of my chosen fertility clinic, where I froze my eggs in 2019. There, I underwent two unsuccessful IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) procedures before making the “upgrade” to IVF (In Vitro Fertilization).

I know women who have tried IUI up to 12 times before having success, but I made a pact with myself that I would try IUI up to 2 times before switching to IVF, which has a higher success rate, but a higher cost. After a successful IVF, my beautiful daughter, Laydi, came to be.

It would seem like once I moved to Barbados everything just became so simple, but it wasn’t.

Sperm Donors: Navigating Limited Options

Choosing a sperm donor was a task I initially thought would be one of the easiest parts of my journey, so I saved it for last. Little did I know, it would turn out to be one of the most intense phases.

I sought guidance from my Facebook SMBC group, and as I faced an overwhelming amount of information and options available, a sense of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) crept in. I discovered multiple approaches. While some people created extensive checklists with endless criteria, a woman mentioned that her doctor suggested a simpler perspective — considering who you would have a one-night stand with. Which makes sense when you think about it! After all, most married women don’t have their husbands undergo any genetic testing. In my case, I ended up adopting a middle-ground approach.

Now let’s talk about the options I had as a Black woman — or the lack thereof. Even though I chose a sperm bank that the women in my group felt had more diversity than other institutions, I soon realized that there was a scarcity of Black donors. In my family, we are a large array of shades, so although I was inclined to look for a Black donor, that wasn’t my priority. Instead, my focus was on finding a known donor, someone my daughter could connect with once she hit 18 — if that’s what she wishes. DNA testing also became a non-negotiable to get the whole story and ensure my baby’s health. Facing a sea of mostly white donors, I went for it. Sure, there might be some raised eyebrows or whispers of stigma, but it aligned with my vision.

After filtering candidates by my non-negotiable criteria, there was still a long list of sperm donors to choose from. So to narrow down my search, I decided to also filter by eye color and selected some healthy donors that also happened to look worthy of a one-night stand! After that, I had a baby daddy-picking party with my closest friends (How Fun! Right?), and they ultimately helped me choose.

Confronting Childhood Trauma on My Motherhood Journey

Reflecting on my journey, I can’t ignore the impact of my childhood trauma. Raised by my grandmother due to my parents’ divorce, I never felt lacking, but there was resentment. Resentment towards my mom and dad for not thinking about me, for things I had to figure out on my own that other parents just handle for their kids. This fueled a determination within me — I knew I didn’t want to put my daughter through the same challenges.

I was surprised by how the resentment was exacerbated when I got pregnant. There were issues I thought I had worked through, but everything resurfaced. At least I am still working through my childhood trauma — which has been a key part of my journey, helping me create a future that breaks free from the patterns of the past so that I can be a better mom.

I also believe working closely with a therapist became a source of empowerment, particularly considering my family’s conservative values (as I am of Caribbean Descent). Confident in my choice to become an SMBC, I anticipated potential criticism. To my surprise, their response was reassuring — they believed it was about time! In a culture deeply rooted in tradition, their support for my decision defied conservative norms. I’m grateful that my family acknowledged that the timing to embrace motherhood was a personal journey, and they didn’t let societal expectations dictate my path.

Our Family, Our Way: Navigating the Inevitable “Who Is My Dad?” Question

Looking ahead, I know there will be moments when my daughter might wonder about her family structure. I still have time to figure it out, but I plan to handle it with the same openness and transparency that guided me through this entire journey. If I’m certain about anything, it’s that I will not make it a big deal. We will acknowledge the diversity in family structures. Society may sometimes make her wonder why she doesn’t have a dad, but in our world, it will just be how our family is made up. Some families have many siblings, others only have one child, and that’s okay! I had someone who once said her child asked why he didn’t have a dad, and she just said, “Same way we don’t have a dog.” The child was okay with that and never asked again. I hope we can make it as natural a topic as discussing why we don’t have pets.

Being an SMBC Does Not Mean Being Lonely

If you are considering going on this path, I know you may have fears — especially the fear of doing it alone. Loneliness can be a challenge, but I’ve realized that things wouldn’t be much different if I had a partner. Even within a traditional marriage, many women experience loneliness and overwhelming pressure. They might feel alone while breastfeeding, and on top of that, they have to deal with the pressure to fulfill traditional roles such as cooking, serving their partners, and engaging in intimate moments, even when they’re not feeling their best. Some women even feel that their husbands perceive themselves as “babysitting” and doing them a favor rather than being fully hands-on parents.

This feeling of loneliness and overwhelm is not exclusive to SMBCs. Don’t let that stop you. Know that you are not alone. There is a whole community of us out there. Back at the start of my journey, I stumbled upon this amazing Facebook group of SMBCs that I mentioned before. I loved diving into their stories, learning about their challenges, and understanding the choices they made. It sparked something in me. Why keep all this empowerment to myself? So, here’s the big news — I’m on a mission to create a movement. A movement that shouts, “Hey, ladies, you don’t have to settle for what society expects!” Trust me, freezing my eggs and giving myself the gift of fertility is one of the best decisions I’ve made. I’d be kicking myself if I didn’t take this leap, and now, I want to make sure other women don’t miss out either.

This is not just my story; it’s a shout-out to all the women who’ve chosen, are choosing, or will choose the path of single motherhood. It’s a tribute to resilience, strength, and the power we hold to shape our destinies. I hope to kickstart conversations, challenge norms, and pave the way for a future where every woman feels empowered to start her family on her terms.

So, who’s with me? Join in breaking the silence, challenging norms, and celebrating the beauty of our journeys.