Trump Jesus Faction Wins Converts in Rust Belt

A Report from Joliet

James (real name withheld) spent his Sunday after church canvassing his neighborhood with fliers, trying to win converts. “I don’t mind doing all this hard work — especially for the Lord — besides, I spent years in direct sales before going on disability. I’m used to it. Besides, I’ve never felt so called by god before as I have now.”

With all his missionary confidence, he came up to my door and asked to talk about the second coming of Jesus, the importance of this election, and judgement day. I was a little apprehensive at first — Jesús still owes me 5 bucks back in San Antonio. Then I figured, what the hell? That was back in high school. I should just forgive and forget, like they say in church. I invited him in for a coffee.

“The second coming is happening. Do you want to be left behind? Or are you coming to heaven with us in the rapture?”

“That depends. Will they still serve beer here on earth?” I asked.

“I don’t think you understand the seriousness of all this,” he said, handing me a flier. On it read, “Behold the Miracles: Donald Trump is Jesus! The sign of Salvation has come!”

At first, I was skeptical. “Why would the Son of God come back as a real estate broker?” I asked. “Isn’t that one of the most dishonest professions that isn’t lawyer or banker? Didn’t those assholes ruin the economy last decade by convincing people to buy poorly built houses at prices they couldn’t afford.”

“Was not the Son of Man a rebel leader, ministering the good news to tax collectors and prostitutes?”

I couldn’t argue with that. I remember something about that in confirmation class. Besides — he assured me that Trump isn’t anti Latino, but anti-illegal. I must have a nopal on my forehead for him to automatically go there, but I could tell he was a good and sincere man. I agreed to go with him to the Judgement Day Rally at the VFW hall down the street.

There I got to meet the other believers. There was Sherri, who had just recently lost her husband to colon cancer. There was Stan, who lost his job to the Mexicans in Nuevo Leon. There were many more people, pure of heart, who were doing the best they could and were still getting shat on.

We prayed for the rest of America, especially the Media to wake up and recognize the Son of Man. No Judas can stand in the way of the second coming. We prayed for the wall, for the restoration of the true church, and the expulsion of the Muslims from Christendom. They gave me a special blessing reserved for Hispanics. I was honored.

Pew Research Institute estimates that 1 out of 3 Americans believes that Donald Trump is the Messiah. Estimates abound why the media has not covered this before, in spite of all the evidence in front of it. To this James had a simple explanation for it. “It’s a miracle! My how blind the agents of the devil are in the face of righteousness!”

Q.E. Morales has since had the nopal on his forehead surgically removed.

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