A letter to my crush

Dear crush of mine,

We’ve been hanging out with increasing frequency and I think it’s becoming clear to both of us that we have chemistry. Only a short time ago I would have been elated by the buds of our mutual interest starting to open up but unfortunately I’ve become one of those people that has something to confess before we can embark on any kind of romantic venture. No, I didn’t father any children while I was living abroad and yes, I have a clean bill of health. This has been a difficult fact to learn about myself and I encourage you to not make any assumptions until you’ve read everything I have to say here. So here it goes:

I’m polyamorous.

In case you’re unfamiliar with polyamory please allow me to explain. I feel like I am capable of, and I desire to be in multiple simultaneous intimate relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners that I am involved with. In order to make this work for me and my partners I do my absolute best to be completely honest with each of them about my feelings. They both already know how I feel about you and they’ve both been supportive.

My own acceptance of being polyamorous is proving to be extraordinarily difficult. Suddenly the exposition to every relationship has to be accompanied by a disclaimer. There remains a large part of me that wants to get married and raise children, but I am unsure of how my wife and I are going to keep a stable and monogamous-looking home. The way I feel isn’t widely accepted as a legitimate way to feel, so I’m asking you to just consider my inner logic. Many believe that I just haven’t found The One, but the idea of The One is absolutely antithetical to what I require from human relationships. For me the idea of two adults expecting each other to be the exclusive sources of deep connectedness and intimacy for all time is ludicrous. I feel at my core that I will always need different things from different people. That doesn’t mean that I am any less loyal or committed to my relationships. I want to be there for you in every way that you expect.

I tell myself every day that if I could take a pill and suddenly not feel polyamorous I would. I feel romantically suffocated. I’m now more anxious when talking to a woman in a bar or on a dating app because I feel I’m being disingenuous since she (likely) enters the conversation with the basic assumption that we’re both monoamorous. That’s not her fault, I’m not offended one bit that she makes that assumption because of course it’s the norm.

I know this a ton to unload on you at this point, but it’s better for you to know this about me now. My partners develop jealous feelings occasionally and I sometimes become jealous when my partners are with other men. We manage it and ultimately I’m happy that my partners are able to get what they need and that their lives are more fulfilled. I’ve had happy relationships with both polyamorous and monoamorous partners. If you feel like getting involved with me is too non-traditional or that it would make you too uncomfortable then of course I understand completely. If you want to stay, please feel free to ask me anything at any time and I’ll be completely forthcoming. For this to work you have to be very honest with me about how you feel too.

So, how do you feel?