A Not So Fine Balance [Part 2]
Nandini Chandra

Hello Nandini,

I read your writing on surviving suicide and i find myself reading your pieces. I’ve read the first one in this series and i think i’ll probably end up reading all. About this article, there’s no such thing as a chemical imbalance that these chemicals fix. I am sure you know about the thing about western medicine that it suppresses the symptoms rather than addressing the root cause. So artificially introducing morphine or some other ‘happy chemical’ into your system, in the long term is not going to solve the problem and balance it out, you are more complex than that, and you might actually end up with some long term side effects. It’s almost as bad as taking drugs, alcohol, or “fucking the pain away”. The pharmaceutical industry is a bigger scam than you would imagine. You should shun them like you would shun any bad habit that makes you feel good. When you eat right, when you exercise and sleep well, when you meditate, all these alter these supposed chemical imbalances of your body. You know how you feel irritable when you don’t eat, foods are chemicals and enzymes at their heart, that solves it. Not popping a drug laced pill. That’s not the right way to alter these so called chemical imbalances. When I stop doing the bad and start doing these good things, i get overnight results. Results not as in that my problems are cured but that when i exercise, i know something inside me has changed, my problem is that i am in a ditch, so one step is not going to get me out of it, it’s going to have to be months, but i will come out of it. Like they say, great actions are built on the back of many small ones. It’s all about the aggregate of your actions and their natural consequences. So every time you choose an action…you know what you’re doing and it’s ok if it takes time to dig yourself out. And yes, life’s going to be cruel at some point, i’ve accepted that over the course of my life, 4–5 times it will be massively unfair, tragic incidents and cruelties will inflict me and i will just have to accept (just like the near miracles i pretty much take as business as usual). I have accepted that and experienced both. So please, over time eat, sleep and exercise and meditate well and you can outgrow these superficial quick fixes that are not solving the problem and come with their own set of added problems. After this the most important thing, like you, like with me is addressing the emotional/spiritual problems. All these ‘make me feel good’ quick fixes be they food, or happy pills, or sexual activity of any kind, or drugs, or alcohol, are rooted in making us feel good and coping with something that is hurting us, or making us feel bad. It could be stress from work, it could be irritation from the traffic, the noise near the place we currently call home, an obnoxious friend (with girls there’s an added tyranny of nature haha), things that have happened in our past in our formative years, and so on. We all live fairly difficult lives, while being told that we are extremely privileged. Running water, electricity and the internet our great but like Plato said, be kind, for everybody is fighting a hard battle. So face your tragedies emotionally. And that’s not powerful enough a word, we are our ‘spirits’, more than our bodies and our brains, we are our spirit, our soul, so make list of the events that you feel affect you. We have our toxic memories from our past, often in our formative years, often when we are not even equipped to deal with them, that define our current state, the current place we are in emotionally, the person that we currently are. Like that scene from Dead Poet’s Society, where the mentor tell his protege, “It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s ok, don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault…’ (my eyes welled up while typing this, trying to help you is helping me, it’s cathartic). I read this lovely quote that gave me a lot of perspective. I used to have a lot of complaints (read resentments that turned into shouting matches bordering on rage) with my parents but then I read something JK Rowling said, something to the effect of, yes, your parents fucked up, and yes, to be fair to you, it is their fault. They are to blame indeed. But there is an expiry date for it being their responsibility. Rowling said that date ends at 18, “when you take the wheel”, that’s what she meant i suppose but I say you decide for yourself. Take your time. Give yourself 10 years, 15 years, 20 years. But move. Oh my dear fellow soul, move. Thou must move. Ask yourself, what bothers you, listen to the whispers of your heart, it will tell you. Ask yourself, what would you like now, and ask yourself further, you will alway hear an answer. Ask yourself and listen, and do it again. The sub-conscious mind is one of the treasures that you have just by virtue of being alive. Rational mind is a faithful servant. Use it to serve your soul. Heal you. So give yourself ample time, Don’t be fair to yourself, pamper yourself silly, but oh my dear soul, move, i.e., ask yourself and listen, don’t be fair to yourself, pamper yourself, give yourself all the time in the world, you are free if you believe you are free. Believe…listen…you have a long beautiful life ahead of you…face it live it n relish it…love it…and Thank You for writing this. It’s helping me heal. I will keep coming back to this, to take my own advice. I need to. I do very little of it. haha.

With Love and Compassion for the whole Universe

one in seven billion, on a planet so insignificant, yet a complete universe within ourselves, we are god’s divinity in an independent whole, we call the human body, complete and independent, a complete expression of God, separate from it, yet part of the greater whole, the universe..free will and this moment..that’s what we really have…

P.S. — this turned out to be more an expression of my own feelings and thoughts ‘for me’…something that started out as an act of goodwill towards the writer here…boy talk about good karm/a…good actions…what goes around comes back around…pretty darn quick in this case…