In the Garden

Meant to be told out loud. I’ve told it out loud and it went pretty well, so I’m reproducing it here.

This story starts a long time ago, and I do mean a LONG time ago, that is, a REALLY, REALLY long time ago, when God, who after all has plenty of time — if it’s one thing God’s got a lot of, it’s time — was hanging around with God’s buddies, doing whatever it was that they did. God noticed again something that had been apparent for some time, namely, that the buddies getting a little more distant. God had been noticing this for some eons, and thought, “Well, I have to do something about this, because eventually they’ll fade to nothing. If I’m left alone too long I get in too much trouble”. God needed some new buddies. They would have to be free will beings like the old buddies. Being God, God decided to make some.
This is a very big deal, even for God. God would need a lot of time. But as I said before, that is one thing God has plenty of. God wasn’t after things, although God got a lot of things along the way. God wasn’t after pets, but God got a lot of pets along the way. No, a free will being is a different animal altogether. A free will being is of such a nature that even God would have a tough time knowing when it had been accomplished, but God had faith in God, so God kept going.
After many millennia, eons even, God said “Maybe I got it. Those two down there. The man and the woman.” Now we all know who God was talking about at this point. So God went to them and pointed out all the animals, plants, and everything else, and said “See all this? Name everything and be sure to take good care of it. If you don’t I’m going to be mighty pissed, and trust me, you don’t want that. Oh and one more thing. That tree there? Lay off it, don’t mess with the fruit. That’s mine.”
Then God went aside and prayed* that they would eat that fruit. Only then would God know that God had succeeded, that these were actually free will beings. That’s not something not even God can know, at least not directly. God would have to look for a sign. If they ate the fruit after God had told them not to, God reasoned, that would be a pretty good sign. God was hoping it had all worked, that they were truly free will beings, because the whole thing had been a hell of a lot of work, and God was mighty tired.
God waited, but nothing seemed to be happening. So God thought, “Maybe they need a little encouragement. I don’t think that would be cheating, not too much, anyway. Let’s see, serpents a pretty wily…hey serpent!”
“Yeah, boss?”
“Go see if you can get one of them to eat some of that fruit, the stuff I told them to say away from.”
“OK, boss.” Serpents are wily but they aren’t free will, so the serpent just had to do as it was told. 
The serpent went over and checked out the situation. There was Adam in the recliner, with the TV on. Eve was out in the garden puttering around, trying to figure things out. The serpent thought “It’s pretty clear who’s the brain of this outfit.”
Serpent: “Hey Eve!”
Eve: ”Whadaya want, serpent?”
Serpent: “You see that tree there?”
Eve: “Yes…”
Serpent: “Well you ought to eat some of the fruit.”
Eve: “Why would I want to do a dumb thing like that? God told us not to!”
Serpent: “Well, that fruit is special. It’s got special powers.”
Eve: “Like what?”
Serpent: “It’ll give you knowledge.”
Eve: “What’s so special about that? We got knowledge. We know the names of all these things…”
Serpent: “Yeah, Yeah, but this is different. This is The Bomb.”
Eve: “How so?”
Serpent: “Good and Evil. That fruit gives you the knowledge of good and evil”
Eve: “Oh. Then we’d be like” [points surreptitiously to the sky].
Serpent: “Yeah. Then you’ll be like” [points surreptitiously to the sky, kind of, anyway, serpents have a tough time with that.]
Eve: “Hmm. OK, but I don’t want to do it all by myself. A-A-A-DA-A-A-M!”
Adam: “What? What are you yelling bout? I’m tryina watch the game!”
Eve: “This is important!”
Adam, walking over: “OK, OK. What?”
Eve: “We gotta eat some of the fruit from that tree there.”
Adam: “Woman, are you crazy? God told us not to! God will be so pissed!”
Eve: “Yeah, but it’s the fruit of knowledge.”
Adam: “Knowledge? What do we need more knowledge for? We got all the knowledge we need! We know the names of all these things…”
Eve: “This is different. This is, well, the knowledge of good and evil.”
Adam: “Oh. Then we’d be like” [points surreptitiously to the sky].
Eve: “Yeah. Then we’ll be like” [points surreptitiously to the sky].
Adam thought about it. Then he said uttered those three little words that have ensured men’s survival for all these millennia: “You’re right, dear.”
They ate the fruit.
Adam: “Oh man, check it out Eve, we’re naked!”
Eve: “You mean you’re just noticing that now? Sheesh!”
Then they heard a rumbling noise, like someone walking round in the garden, someone big. They looked at each other. 
Adam: “Oh man! That’s gotta be you-know-who! We are so fucked!”
Eve: “Looks like we better leave.”
Adam: “Leave? Where is there to go?”
Eve: “We have to leave the garden.”
Adam: “Can we do that?”
Eve: “Uh, I don’t think it’s about can. It’s about must. I think the way out is over this direction…”
Adam: “Oh man but it’s nice here! We got everything we need!”
Eve: “Adam…”
Adam: “Aw, why did I listen to you! You got us in all this trouble…”
Eve: Adam…”
Adam: “…and now we gotta leave everything we know, and I’ll never know who won the playoffs…”
Eve: “Adam…”
Adam: “…sigh…You’re right, dear.”
On the way out Eve saw the serpent. Eve wasn’t real happy about all this either, so she started yelling, “This is all your fault! I hate you! I’m gonna smite your sorry ass! I’ll bruise your head with my heal! Take that! And That!” The serpent hissed, “Oh yeah? Well I’ll bite that heal of yours!” “Ow!” “Hiss!” Snap! Snap! Smite! Smite! Snap! Smite! Snap!


* Who does God pray to? Wouldn’t you like to know!

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated Quasimodo’s story.