Dear men, I don’t owe you a hello, a please, or a thank you.

And you don’t owe me any compliments.

I read a great article today that problematizes what we are asking Black and Brown men to do as a result of the now infamous catcalling video. The editors of this video edited out all the white dudes that may have hollered at an apparently white woman walking down the street in New York City.

In her article, “Hello vs. Holla?” Dr. Wanzo states:

“ …let’s go back to the racial framework of this video. I had a conversation with someone about street harassment last year and she put in this category the food service and grounds workers who say “hi, how you doing” on my campus. If we want to talk about power dynamics, the expectation that the predominantly African American male workers on my campus keep their eyes down, don’t speak to you, and that saying “good morning” and “how you doing” is harassment, aren’t we embracing another set of narratives designed to discipline less powerful people? This expectation can replicate a racist culture where brown men should be silent and invisible in public.

I am deeply concerned with this issue, and to that end, we need to have a serious conversation about what changes we are asking men to make. Are we asking them never to speak to us unless we make eye contact? Or is it important to talk about how we see and treat each other in public spaces, with all the race, class, regional, and sexual politics at stake?”

To begin, I call shenanigans on Dr. Wanzo placing street harassment inside of a college cafeteria or in particular college campus environments. The first three-fourths of the article addresses everyday anecdotal concerns that women face as they navigate public spaces well. But towards the last part of the article, Dr. Wanzo seems to forsake the idea that women still have a choice as to whether they want to talk to men who speak to them first. She jumps to the idea that there is a conflict with maintaining our choice as women whether to speak to anyone who speaks to us. This maintenance comes at the expense of black and brown men, for example, on her campus being expected to keep their eyes down, and only speak when being spoken to. Further, she makes an awkward leap toward advocating against the controlling of black and brown men’s bodies by women who don’t like their advances or greetings. I see why the ideas would be similar—because of the aspect of control and power.

However, we should not conflate the act of resisting a male hegemony that expects gendered reciprocal interaction of any kind with the sordid history of keeping black and brown male bodies in check in the US.

The scenario of street harassment on the thoroughfares of a city and the scenario of black or brown male workers saying hello to passersby on a college campus is simply different. Decontextualizing and generalizing street harassment in an effort to protect the historical issues of Black and Brown men in various spaces (See stories everywhere concerning Black and Brown men) is misleading. This viewpoint detracts from the real conversation— the respect and protection of all bodies (no matter gender or orientation) in all public spaces. Because if we are being truthful, street harassment is no respect of gender, color, orientation, socio-economic status, or self-perception.

What I write here is generally not different than what every other person has already written on this topic. I am just saying it all again. As such, I selfishly love a good compliment (notice I wrote a good one—as in respectful and context appropriate). If my outfit is looking good that day, it's nice if someone notices. But it is not a world-ending scenario if no one notices. Why?

Because, I woke up like this. Duh.

So, as one woman who is on the heavy receiving end of the:

catcalling
the “how-you-doings”
the “hey girls”
the crotch grabs in my direction
the tongue wagging in between the fore and middle fingers
the whistles
the “I want f*** you right nows”
the “nice legs girl”
the “DAMNS!”

And the all too familiar

“f*** you then b****! You ugly anyway!”
or being spit on
or having crap pelted at me

…for not speaking after alleged advances—on a more than regular basis—these are the changes that I am asking men to make (and are applicable to all gender and power scenarios):

Please disabuse yourselves of the notion (thanks, Jesse) that I owe you a hello, a please, or a thank you. I don’t owe it to you. If I choose to respond to any greeting that you choose to give, please remember this is my choice.
For men of color, whether Black or Latino, or other (since these are the men who approach me in the most disrespectful ways—the most), just because I am Brown and you are Brown does not mean that I have to talk to you when you talk to me. I don’t have to talk to you beyond a hello (if I choose to say hello), and I am not a bad “sista” or a bitch for maintaining that boundary. You don’t have to avert your eyes—they belong to you. But, you do have to respect the fact that I do not wish to engage.
If you want to make ‘friends’ with me as I walk down the street by saying hello as I am going somewhere, just know that not everyone makes friends like that. Do you meet your male friends like this? Do you walk down the street and run up alongside an “attractive” guy and say “Hey how you doing?” And strike up conversations on a regular basis? To make a new friend? No? Well then don’t expect this to work with the other gender that well either. And don’t get mad when it doesn’t.
For the love of all that is good and right, stop getting violently angry when we turn down your advances. Granted not all men act this way, and I appreciate the men who can take a hint. But I have had glass bottles thrown at me, I have had friends who have been spit on, and I have been cursed out after ignoring a man who said hello, or abruptly ending a conversation that was going in a direction I was not comfortable with. Currently, there are countless stories of both men and women who have been subject to lethal or close to lethal violence for refusing such advances. Or, sticking up for someone who was being “holla’ed” at on the street. Why is it violently upsetting that I don’t want to talk to you? That I don’t want to give you my phone number? That I don’t want to tell you about my day? That I didn’t say anything in response to your compliment? This leads to my most important desire as a woman in public…
Reconsider your objectives and goals when you talk to women. Many men practice outcome dependent behavior when approaching women that they do not practice when talking to men. What is your end goal? Is it realistic? Why are you approaching women in a way that depends heavily on a woman’s response? What if you approached a woman as a person that is equally sharing the same space with you? And not be chronically dependent upon how she reacts to you to validate the interaction? You may get different results. Hell, you may see life differently! Because you are doing it wrong if you are expecting any other results…
Lastly, I need other men who don’t “see” or “believe” in street harassment to learn more about it. Street harassment is not about the slight difference between a hello and a holla, nor is it about the policing of Black and Brown male bodies in spaces where white women are. It’s about protecting all bodies—and those who think it’s okay for people of disadvantaged genders, orientations, and socioeconomic statuses to just be in public— in what can be extremely hostile environments. Here’s all that you need to know as a man about street harassment.

So, it is quite fine to talk to me, given that we are in a context where we can make conversation. The street is not one of those places for me. I am on my way to somewhere that doesn’t involve you. It’s like those salesmen that want ‘just one moment of your time’ to sell you something; I don’t have the time. And no, I am not missing out on the deal of a lifetime because I didn’t stop to hear your offer. Because if I stopped to hear every “offer” or “advance” that was made to me on the street, I would never get to work, to class, home to my boo, or to where ever it is that I am already going. I have a life! My life, My time, and my choice on how to spend it.

Just respect my time and space. The street should not be a free-for-all for anyone to holler at anyone else—period—much less a place for any man to get angry when women don’t respond in desired ways. I want men to stop thinking that public spaces that both men and women occupy are strictly for men to enjoy exclusively, and that women are primarily there for their entertainment and arousal. Stop treating us like prey in public. Just stop! That’s what I want. That’s all I ask for, Dr. Wanzo.

“Hello” versus “Holla” is an uncritical distinction. The fine line of distinction is not there— at all. The line is in the mind of men (and women) somewhere that I cannot see. It’s somewhere there in the ethers of a problematic hegemony that says that all spaces are inherently male dominated. The ‘line’ is deep inside the reason why men are compelled to say hello as a means of making a sexual or romantic advance to a woman stranger that you think is attractive under the guise of being polite. It’s a ruse. I know the difference between a greeting and an advance. I have lived in Northern and Southern parts of the United States. And in places with vastly different populations. I don’t know where the problem lies specifically because this is an issue everywhere I go—regardless of what I am wearing, or what I am doing.

Street harassment is a direct outcome of the imbalanced practice of gendered outcome dependent behavioral interatcions in public spaces.

Given all of the cultural, historical, and racial issues that the video raises, Dr. Wanzo overreaches by even slightly insinuating that women who experience this behavior don’t know the difference between a ‘hello’ and a ‘holla’. Or that the greeting of hello can’t quickly turn into a holla more times than not—and a holla into a hostile situation. However, she is correct about the disservice that this video does to black and brown males in comparisons to treatment white males. I am not trying to regulate Black and Brown male bodies (or any other bodies) because this is not what this conversation is about (thumbs down on that catcalling video for ruining the conversation for us ALL—thanks a whole lot!). I am asking for respect and equal consideration, as a woman who has to walk down the street every day. I don’t expect any person not to look at me as I walk down the street in a public place—that’s unrealistic and crosses a line I am uncomfortable with. You are free to attempt an interaction. Just don’t police how I behave in public by expecting me to respond to your advances or even your hellos.

Jessica Williams explains this better than I ever could.