on nanowrimo

originally written in november, 2015

(this isn’t actually about nanowrimo… sorry)

I can’t do fiction. I can’t do fiction. I can’t. I thought so to myself. Did I even write that properly? Are rules for writing dialogue still important? Still enforced? If I choose to publish this will readers see that first part and decide that my writing is not worthy of their reading?

Novels are by definition fiction, right? Lately, I find myself not being able to even read fiction without a great deal of pain. It’s all so contrived. How much of it can even come close to raw experience? Descriptions of physical characteristics and anything that implicitly follows the laws of physics are so lacking. I can use my imagination but I feel like I shouldn’t have to. Maybe I’m just rationalizing all this negative feeling for reading fiction. Maybe I just don’t like it so much because it requires more brain power than watching a movie. I wonder if everyone feels the same way.

Surely most people, at least 3 out of 4 people, would agree that movies are more of an experience than novels. The advantage of something that can be experienced versus simply read and understood is authenticity, isn’t it? Authenticity and immersion. How can I enjoy the story, themes, and messages when I am using most of my brain power just to convert words into images in my head?

It’s really hard for me to understand anything that I don’t convert into images. That’s how I judge how much attention I am paying to my reading. Can I see everything clearly in my head? If not, I am most likely completely lost. Did I become this way from watching movies? It’s much easier to pay attention to a movie because I don’t have to convert anything, usually (unless a character decides to describe something in words and the director for some reason did not put in a side scene with the image of what is being described, in which case, that’s really weird).

How much of a movie do you have to pay attention to if you really want to get a clear idea of what’s happening? Depends on a lot of things I guess. Maybe that’s not an important question.

I guess it’s not always important to have a clear image of everything. I guess it’s not always important to pay attention to every small detail. Everything depends on the individual story I guess. However, like I said, I feel lost when I can’t see everything.

I feel like every detail is important. Immersion is important. I want the most true simulation of the story in my mind. In high school, for a life skills course, we had to write some kind of report for an school event or something. I don’t actually remember the assignment very well anymore. It was like ages ago! Anyway. I chose to write the report for our spring one act plays. A classmate chose to write about the same thing. We had to peer review each other’s reports.

The peer reviewing process was very revealing… I felt like I had discovered another truth to life that would later be confirmed in my intro to psych class in college. My classmate’s account of the plays’ plots was filled with inaccuracies and missed points. I was so shocked. Did this classmate watch the same plays as I did? I was sure she did… but then why??

I had never realized how weak the human memory was. Or how little people pay attention to what they are seeing. How do they live? Do they feel ok about this? Not paying attention? Not getting the most out of what you are experiencing?

Of course, I don’t pay attention to everything. But I can only say this because I know it is most likely impossible to pay attention to everything. I am human. I can only see so much, hear so much, smell so much, taste so much, feel so much. So much is so little. When I watched Room 237, a documentary about the Shining, I realized how little I can pay attention to. I also realize the same thing whenever I rewatch a movie. I really like rewatching movies because I feel like it brings me closer to “seeing” everything. Even things that can’t be detected by the 5 senses.

Apparently most of us have more than 5 senses (and I’m assuming we haven’t classified them as “senses” because they don’t have much to do with physical sensations), right? I think? I don’t remember where I read this but I feel like I read this somewhere. Maybe I want to pay attention as much as possible because through seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, I can understand things beyond the 5 senses. “Read between the lines” in a way. This how I watch movies. This is also how I try to understand people.

I want to understand everyone. I want to know everything about everyone. This is impossible. I know. I talked about this with a friend the other day. Their advice to me was, it’s not good to know everything about everyone. If you knew the good parts and bad parts of someone, if your relationship ever became bad, you will only remember the bad parts.

If you only knew their good parts, even if you fight, you will remember the good parts and you can repair the relationship. This is a good point I think. I suppose this is a good point for people who want good relationships with people in their lives. I feel like this should be important for me because I need better relationships with people in my life but also at the same time I have a reason I must know the bad points of someone too. I have to know the bad parts so I can protect myself. And I guess when I say “bad parts” I mean parts of their character that could potentially hurt me.

Maybe my main drive for understanding others is protecting myself. I am considered sensitive. But my sensitivities are very specific. I am sensitive about a lot of really specific things. My sensitivities are extremely personal. Anything could hit me the wrong way in the right place so it’s hard to tell who could hurt me and how without a deep understanding of each person as an individual.

I could spend hours everyday thinking about everyone I know to figure them out. I could spend hours interacting with everyone (who hasn’t hurt me enough for me to avoid them yet) to understand them better. Whatever my drive is, I think my obsession with trying to understand people makes me a better person. So it’s fine in a way.

I used to wonder why people can’t understand each other and the answer is probably just that they don’t care enough about understanding each other. I care about that though. And I wish everyone cared. Maybe ultimately I just wish people cared about understanding me.