Just a quick backstory on my life: got married in a rush in 2013 for ‘reasons’, made it work for five and a half years even though it was full of horrible times (I was a doormat to avoid fights but also not the most emotionally available dude, which is a shitty way to for two people to spend that long together). The good was good and the bad was really, really bad.
Bought a house in spring 2017, put 100% of our savings towards the down payment + closing costs + all new appliances + furniture and all that jazz, so it really sucked when we made it to Canada Day (July 1st for those not in the know) and she decided we’d made it long enough as a couple.
sidebar: If you’re not aware, the mortgage penalty after only 4 months is expensive! As is ripping up your front lawn unexpectedly to fix your sewage! This has nothing to do with the story but if you can avoid getting divorced immediately after buying a house, you should do that. Was left with nothing but a giant pile of debt, not great.
Ultimately with the benefit of hindsight + where I’m at now — and where she’s at now, with a new husband + kid which was never something I wanted — I’m super, super glad it happened, but at the time I was floored/devastated/crushed/etc.
Right after we had the meaningful “it’s over” conversation she took off to visit her aunt in London, ON for the week, which meant I had to live in the house by myself for a week with nowhere to go (she had the car) and nothing to do but drink + be sad as fuck. Turns out that drinking and being sad as fuck is a horrible combo!
Mid-week after having a full-blown meltdown, I decided I was going to kill myself. Did all kinds of research into what would be the most pain-free way, what could go wrong, etc. etc. which thinking about it with hindsight was probably my brain trying to actually avoid it, and finally settled on drowning myself in the rapids near my house. The rapids are this gorgeous spot we’d spent some nights hanging out so it had a bit of meaning, but mostly the wake is strong enough to pull you under and doing it quietly on a summer weeknight nobody would be around to save me.
Since you’re reading this, you know I didn’t go through with it, so hell yeah to living. I went down there, sat on a bench for a long time, walked around different spots of the water, but ultimately decided that nah, fuck that, life can be painful but it’s just heartbreak, I can rebound. So here I am!
As part of my photography project I thought it’d be meaningful to me to go back to this spot — it’s very photogenic, but also it’s been five years so it was like a little anniversary of sorts (today is Jan 1st. which is the anniversary of me telling people about it.)
I’ll go back in the summer to get different, brighter shots to update the collection
xoxo,
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