Book and Lessons: How to win friends and influence people

(Purchase with hardcover or paperback)

Undoubtedly one of the best selling books of all time. If are struggling with communicating with people, or you want to improve interpersonal skills for your job, this is a must-read. Successful or highly respected people have one thing in common: they know how to interact with you and they know how to make you like them.

No matter how well you do at school, you won’t succeed in life without social skills. Possessing these kills don’t simply help you make new friends but sometimes they also help you resolve conflicts. In my opinion, the theories presented in the book were not new when it was published, but it comes with a number of real-life examples in many aspects and thus making it easy to absorb for the majority of people.

There’s a lot to learn from this book, but overall there are 7 lessons:

1. Show genuine interest in others

You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get others interested in you.

Everyone likes to talk about themselves right? Instead of just saying “Hi, how are you”, ask more about their interest, their life, their plans and listen attentively to show them that you care about them. If they have any struggle, show sympathy.

That’s not saying you spend the entire time asking them about themselves and not tell them anything about you, but showing genuine interest in their stories will help build first impression and create long-term connection.

The reason why this is rule #1 is because “being genuine” applies to all other rules that follow.

2. Use names

A person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

You don’t have to use someone’s name in every single sentence when you talk to them, but use it on certain phrases to create impact. Say you’re talking to John, instead of “Hey mate” say “Hey John”, instead of “you know” say “you know John”. Using name will make people feel that you pay attention to them and that you want to hear more about them.

3. Smile

Actions speak louder than words. A smile says, ‘I like you. I am glad to see you.’

A smile can make people feel comfortable and more willing to engage with you. No matter what you are talking or listening about, just smile and befriendly with people.

But don’t try to fake your smile, remember rule #1: be genuinely interested in what people are telling you, smile because you are glad to know them, because love to learn more about their story and because you want to maintain a good relationship with them.

4. Give sincere compliments

Everybody likes a compliment.

A sincere compliment can help make someone’s day. When someone did something well, and even when some one is more successfull than you, be happy for them and give them genuine compliments. A lot of people are not very sincere when they give compliments, they may smile but they are jelous at heart. Don’t be like them! Be a bigger person! Instead of comparing yourself with them and trying to justify their success just be happy for them and show it to them in the most sincere way possible.

Most of the successful people I met are very humble and always compliment others not just because they are happy for other’s success but they want to encourage them to do better.

5. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain

Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn — and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

Critizing, condemning or complaining may satisfy your frustration for a moment but will create negativity and damage your relationship later on. Instead, focus on providing feedback and finding the solutions.

Don’t just jump to conclusion and criticize someone just because they did something that you think is bad. Theoretically, you don’t agree with what they did, but try finding out the whole story behind it, what motivated them to do that, are they struggling with something that they can’t share? Once you get to understand their circumstance, you will grow to be sympathetic with them.

This also applies when you are managing people. If your team members make a mistake, a good manager will sit down with them, help them identify what went wrong and how they can do better next time.

I have worked in many companies, and usually what keeps me stay longer in a job is not the reputation of the company or salary and benefits but the people that I work with. A good environment is when everyone is always supportive and helps you be better, even when you are struggling.

6. Be a good listener

Listen patiently and with an open mind.

Listening is a key component of an effective communication, not talking. It shows respect and helps you understand the concerns and circumstance of others. All the successful people or good leaders that I met have one thing in common: they are good listeners, they listen in a very patient and genuine way. Whenever I start a conversation with them, they are always more interested in hearing what I’m working on and the troubles that I’m dealing with than telling me about their achievements.

A good listener would always let everyone speak up their minds first before they express their opinions, and instead of trying to prove they are right or impose their opinions on others they will try to understand everyone’s concern first and then encourge them to discuss to find the solution.

7. Show appreciation and gratitude

Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise, and people will cherish our words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime.

Always be grateful to what you have received in life and show appreciation to the people who helped you, especially during your difficult times. There are different ways of doing it, but you don’t have to meet them too often and give them presents, that can be too much. The simplest yet still effective way is catch up with them once in a while (not necessarily in person, can be done over phone calls), ask them how they are doing, be willing to help them when they face troubles, and say good things about them to others whenever you can.

Appriciation is also one of the common traits of a good manager at work. A good manager will always thank their team members when something is accomplished and show their appreciation through a team lunch/dinner or a fun activity. That will definitely make them feel important and more motivated to contribute to the company.

Overall, I believe that this is one of the best self-help books that everyone must read to grow into a better person and be successful in life. This is the very first book that I read from my dad’s bookshelf and I still keep a hard copy of it in my bedside table. Whenever I face an issue communicating with someone, I always read it again to find the solution.

You can purchase it from Amazon with hardcover or paperback. Hope you enjoy it :)

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