I wonder if I’ll ever lose it.

Just lose it.

Just say

“I can’t take it anymore, this is it, I’m done”

And just give up.

Just stop trying,

Stop worrying,

Stop caring.

I wonder if I’ll ever break.

I’m stressed and I look at these other people

Who are working much harder

and faster

and better

than I am and think,

How have they not cracked?

How the fuck haven’t they lost it yet?

I’ve been at my edge for 3 years now and I’ve got it easy.

How are these people still functioning human beings?

This is insane.

This whole system is insane.

This entire fucking system is fucking nuts.

I wonder if people look at me and say

“How has he not lost it yet.”

I know people who’ve lost it.

The work got to them,

broke them,

they couldn’t take it anymore.

Chemistry drove someone to almost committing suicide.

But I made it.

I “survived”

We’re kids.

Any way you look at it,

We’re still kids.

Kids with these expectations put on us

By our parents,

Teachers,

Coaches,

and even ourselves.

Why is it like this?

What happened to make the world so cutthroat

and diabolical,

So competitive.

I don’t want to run this race.

But I’m being chased by a hangman with a cattle prod.

Because these people want test scores,

to wave around and say

“Look at these numbers”

“Our numbers are higher than yours”

“Our numbers are better than yours”

There are other high numbers too.

5,240

The number of kids from grades 7–12 who attempt suicide.

Every single day.

Oh, and we’re ranked 2nd.

Suicide is the 2nd highest cause of death among people aged 10–24.

More people die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza, and chronic lung disease,

Combined.

And look,

I am in no way depressed or suicidal or anything.

I just saw some statistics that pissed me off.

I’ve had some experiences that have pissed me off.

Because when it comes down to it,

No person, let alone a kid, should ever have a thought remotely related to killing themselves.

And it’s just so hard to wrap my head around

the facts and the figures.

But more than any of that,

how is it that my first question wasn’t why have these people cracked,

but rather,

How haven’t these people cracked yet.