One honest last email
“Hello Frank, this is the only medium for us to communicate as I have blocked you from all other mediums. I have still a few things unsaid so here they are.
I realised that things have gone far from what we both wanted -I think. I hope you understand that this happened at a time where I changed medications, and I was without any medication and in a very dark place for a few days. And it usually takes days and up to 4 weeks for the meds to kick in and to adapt to it.
My life sucks most of the time, and that is the reason why I am on ‘the’ medication. I am on medication so that every time I think about my life I don’t harm myself or destroy my life further by being in bed and letting things derail and no leave me other option than disappear from this world.
Now, I know myself that my life sucks, but I have to keep going and I have to try and be and try to stay as positive as I can be so that I can change things around for me. So YOU judging me on my current circumstances doesn’t help me in the slightest. You are not judging me on my personality but on my current circumstances. Your frustration at how shitty my life is just makes me feel worst. It reminds me constantly of all the bad choices and mistakes that I have made throughout my life. It makes me want to give up, why bother? if I am a ‘hamster in a wheel’ as you put it nicely to me last night.
It is all true, I am not arguing with you, but what would you have me doing? If I’d wanted to stay depressed about my situation I wouldn’t be on medication and I would just stay in bed and let things go to hell. But instead, I have chosen to keep going and even if it takes me years before I can be seen by certain people like yourself that I fit the profile of a valuable and worthwhile human being, then I don’t give a fuck. Because it is people like yourself that lose track of what matters. Of course material things matter, but as you and I experienced in our previous relationships, none of that matters without the human connection. I thought we had that, I thought we had some sort of connection that was growing slowly, but somehow when we came back from our trip, in the midsts of me wanting to keep improving my life we seemed to have severed that connection for good, or have we?
So, you are frustrated at my current circumstances, which is different from being frustrated at me, meaning my personality, or are you? Does it frustrate you that I haven’t changed my life around or that I don’t do it fast enough for you? Well… I am sorry but I am doing my best!
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, waaay too many. I know it, and I had to learn the hard way. I never had anyone there to guide me, encourage me or teach me how to love myself. I am just learning that now throughout the therapy. It sucks doesn’t it?
But regardless, today I have a pretty good and accurate sense of what is right and wrong and, while I know that I am not perfect, I believe that I have done my best, with the resources and tools I had, to improve my life.
I can totally understand your frustration, but you chose to continue on seeing me even though you knew everything about me since the beginning. So, I can’t help but feel used as an ‘ego booster’ by you. You probably knew from right the beginning that you didn’t want a future with me or perhaps you didn’t see one. You could have been up front and made a choice of ending things early instead of letting us keep getting closer. But you didn’t! you didn’t have the balls!
Now, I know I used the word disappointment when we last spoke, and I just want to clarify that I never said I was disappointed in you, I was and am disappointed in the fact that whatever little we had constructed it didn’t pull you enough to say that yes “who cares, at the end of the day, yes, I want to spend time with you and share a life together” or similar, because that’s how I still felt. I know we had problems but I thought you were a good guy and I thought we shared a similar or same sense of what’s right and wrong but as I found out now, we didn’t.
I also noticed that in the last few days you were very distant and guarded. You didn’t really open up to me, or said much. We both feared rejection but I chose to be vulnerable at times and you chose to close yourself hermetic.
Just out of interest, do you want to stop being this judgemental? because if you really want to, as you know, there is plenty of material in the world to learn how to be a less judgmental and critical person with oneself and others.
Now, I wish you good luck Frank, I hope you find whatever it is that you need to be happy. I will keep am sure going my own way and hoping through many more setbacks like this one, and I’d probably get back again on the horse to continue the fight or not, who knows.
As for me, about you, from you, what did I learn? what’s my lesson? I’m not sure, but thanks for coming travelling with me, even if it destroyed us. About me, from me to you? well… I am sorry that you have experienced frustration while spending time with me, it was sometimes out of my control. I do hope that I have left some sort of positive or inspiring impression on you though, even if minimal or none, but I’d be really bummed if you just remembered me for how much of a failure you thought I was.
I am sorry that I am confused about having children. Being a slave myself looking after children at a very young age has ruined me.
Now, you could chose to reply something nice and we could just I suppose brush it off again and make up again and again and again, but like any other relationship where people just don’t click straight away, it will only start a vicious cycle were two good natured people get hurt trying to make something work that wasn’t working to start with. So, I will accept an honest email or nothing, but best to leave things to dissolve into the mundane till they disappear completely with time.
Good luck, I enjoyed meeting your family. I hope the kids like the pressies from Vietnam.”