Fun fer nuthin’

I have day dreamed about having fun, all throughout my live long life. I could always imagine it, better than it was being lived. I had serious and intense structure in the beginning of my life. I can see now why that has been a useful tool to have. We live in a world surrounded by structure.

I like to imagine that this structure doesn’t have to exist. I mean, our skin is a structure too. If we didn’t have that, then we would be all guts-n-glory, hanging out (Good God, that man has an ugly spleen, sort of thing). Gross. Bones are a structure too. Without those we’d be smaller versions of Jabba the Hut.

Anyway.

I’ve always exaggerated the truth. Made the stories better. Made myself better. Showed people what I wanted them to see, and hid away the rest. This is not to say, I am fake. I just thoroughly enjoy the creativity it takes to be theatrical. So, the fun I have always dreamed of having would happen, if there wasn’t all this structure in the World. Sometimes, the things I day dream about happening do come true. I met my husband this way :-).

I wanted someone, from Europe, to fall madly in love with me, and take me away from America. I was tired of living in a story. I wanted to separate myself from what made me who I am, so I could become who I want to be. Thus, evoking the dream, I’ve always had about myself.

Even as a child, I remember being terrified of dying. It’s always stayed with me. I mean, the pain, obviously…but way more than that. I am terrified of how I will or won’t be remembered. I want to be remembered as a Fierce Warrior, as a Laughing Prophet. As the Singing Siren, The Stern and Loving Mother, The Devoted and Most Awesome Wife (there ever was), The World Travelling, Ground Stompin’, Skirt Swinging’ Fire Dancing, Sock Sewing, Bread Making, CrazyFucking, Orn’ry Tough Old Boot. HOW the hell am I supposed to be all those things, if I die young?

And if I don’t get to have FUN in my life, what’s the point in living it?

Having the best fun.

I’m not talking about getting fucked up, or fucked in…I am talking about Laughing and Crying, Dancing, Playing music until the Sun comes up…That kinda fun. The kind I’ll remember when I get home. If I get home. If I don’t get home though, that’s ok. I might Die. But if I do, at least I’ll had some fun before hand. Hallelooooojah.

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