It hurts…

Ever cared so much about a person that they became part of you, part of your life and everything you do in it?

Whether it’s a sister, relative, best friend, or boyfriend/girlfriend. When you feel like they start to… forget you, doesn’t it hurt?

I’m writing this out of need to say something. I’m currently aching at the chest as this is being typed. Because it hurts, it really hurts. Maybe it’s my karma, or maybe it’s me.. Or I don’t know.

Maybe I am being forgotten.

Well, I never thought a little thing as this would bother me. I never thought I’d feel like my best friend was slipping right through my fingers.

I love her dearly, she means a lot in my life. But she’s going through this phase in her life where everything is heightened — she needs a man, she needs someone else there. But this someone else has grown to be where all of her attention has gone to.

And this started the moment she started liking this one guy while I was on vacation.

I was only being spoken to when she wanted to tell me about him, or when something was wrong. We talked about other things too, but then it became less frequent. I remember we only had a conversation where she’d be replying right away when I had a few incidents while on vacation..

Other than that, it was on and off or… it was all about him. I knew nothing about her vacation until the end of it. I knew nothing about her until things went wrong with them. And this hurts — we used to talk 24/7, we used to tell each other everything at all times. Now, it’s not even like that anymore.

And I mean I get it, she’s lonely, and we’re a country apart and she needs someone. She needs a connection with a guy because she doesn’t want to be alone. And I’m happy for her because she’s had some good finds, but it hurts me because I feel forgotten. I don’t say much because it’s not my place — I don’t want to be that person. I swallow my pride, I swallow everything down because I want to be there for her. I want her to be okay…

But then it starts to hurt me. I don’t wanna say anything to help her, but I forget about my feelings too… Chicks before dicks, no? I guess that’s on pause right now, and I guess I’m okay with that for a bit.. only because she’s trying to fix things for herself.

I guess this all started the day I came to talk to her, and I hadn’t talked to her the day before. She started hinting at me that I had fucked up and I know I did. I was angry, I didn’t want to hear about that guy. For once I wanted to know about her vacation, about how she’s doing.

It hurt when she started hinting at things like, “He actually makes the effort,” he’s a “great friend”. It hurt, it really hurt to the point I wanted to cry that night. But I just let it go. I just… let it be water under the bridge.

And since then I think I shut myself away from her because that stung. But every time there’s this new face around, we only talk every… hour, or every half hour because she’s talking with him, and they’re over there getting to know each other. And maybe I’m wrong for feeling this way, but it hurts. What about me? Am I only present in your life when something goes wrong? When you need to rant.. It hurts.

It hurts because I’ve put her on top of everything and everyone and this is what I get… But I don’t say a single word. I don’t want to… I don’t want to get in between. I just want her to be happy.. I just want her to find someone that can make her happy as well — perhaps have her find that boyfriend she wants. I’m happy for her, because she deserves it.

But I don’t know how I feel about feeling forgotten. Being behind this other person to only be seen when things go wrong.. Maybe it’s now because she’s on vacation… But I don’t even know how this is going to be when she comes back.

I hate that this is what’s going on. I hate that I’m so fucking sensitive. I hate it all, because I have so much held inside of me. I want her to be happy you know? I really do…

But this feeling just won’t go away, I’m probably so wrong. I’m probably paying my sins with this because of what I’ve probably done to her or someone else.. But this fucking hurts.

It hurts so fucking much.

And I can’t… and won’t say anything — I don’t want to be that person for her, I don’t want to have her stop doing what she’s doing because of me. Only because I know she’s probably happy… That’s all that matters, right…?

I just don’t wanna lose my best friend, I don’t want her to completely forget me.. Because I have feelings too… And right now they’re so hurt.

So hurt.