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Find Your Car Insurance Spokesperson Soul Mate (You Know You Want To)

Life is about self-discovery, and what better way to discover your inner truth than to find your soul mate in one of America’s favorite car insurance personalities.

1. The Sexy Troublemaker

Are you ruggedly good-looking with a touch of dissociative identity disorder?

Do you have a gravelly voice that sounds equally sexy imitating teenage girls and filthy rich executives?

You’re Mayhem.

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You love drama, and you’re not ashamed to admit it. You’re happiest when you’re causing chaos for everyone around you — whether that’s at home, at the big game, or in a stranger’s attic.

You’re lucky you’re so damn sexy. You “suit up” better than Barney f***ing Stinson. You invented the bad boy’s five-o’clock shadow, and more than one ex has described your eyes as “piercing.” (It was Liz Lemon, by the way. But you don’t kiss and tell … except when you do.)

2. The Overly Enthusiastic Little Ray of Sunshine

Are you disarmingly positive and always ready to help? Are you super enthusiastic about a job that other people might find just a tad demeaning? Have you had the same hairstyle for the last seven years?

You’re Flo, the Progressive girl.

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You don’t care that people look at you funny and frequently ask you to do weird things. It doesn’t even matter that your white uniform leads to mega-sized dry-cleaning bills that force you to eat ramen for a month — you’re great at what you do, and you just want to be recognized for it.

Maybe your need to please stems from growing up in a dysfunctional family, but who cares? You just want to be loved and appreciated, and you show your love by helping people find affordable car insurance.

3. The Sensitive Outcast

Do you ever get the feeling that nobody understands you? Are you marginalized for being just a little too hairy? Do people frequently accuse you of being too sensitive?

You’re the GEICO Caveman.

Image Source: The Inspiration Room

You can’t help it if you were born just a few millennia too late or if society is just too barbaric to understand your sensitive, refined nature. You aren’t ashamed of who you are, and you aren’t going to tolerate fools who are too ignorant to appreciate you.

Still, it hurts to be misunderstood.

4. The Doomsayer

Do you frequently run back home to make sure you locked the front door and turned off the coffeemaker? Does the thought of frying a turkey on Thanksgiving give you heart palpitations?

Do your friends ever accuse you of sucking the fun out of everything?

You’re Dennis Haysbert, the Allstate guy.

Image Source: Allstate Insurance via YouTube

Where others see harmless fun, you see death, destruction, and sky-high deductibles. Some people call you paranoid, but is it actually paranoia if people are out to get you?

It’s not that you’re a killjoy. The world is just a dangerous place. A home intrusion happens every 13 seconds, you know? While you were reading this paragraph, someone somewhere got into a car accident. Should I keep going? There are plenty more chilling facts where that came from.

Are you in good hands when sh*t hits the fan?

5. Mr. Throwback

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the pace of modern life? Do you miss out on important conversations because you aren’t on Tweeter? Are you frequently confused by “text speak” and Facesnaps?

Are you viewing this article on Netscape?

You’re Eagle Man, the obsolete Eagle Insurance mascot. (Sorry.)

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You yearn for simpler times, when people took the phone off the hook during dinner and only used their cell phones for emergencies. It’s not that you’re not hip with the kids. (You still own a puka shell necklace and a neon windbreaker.) You just don’t see the point of smartphones.

You finally broke down and got a Hotmail account, and look where that got you. You spend half your time communicating with some Nigerian prince who keeps asking for money. You have no desire to access the Internet on your phone. If people really need to reach you, they’ll call the landline or hit you up on your pager.

You hopefully discovered something about yourself today — or, at the very least, got the strange urge to look for a better car insurance quote. Remember: It doesn’t matter if you’re overly sensitive, super paranoid, or wearing too much red lipstick. Insurance companies still want your money.

Which car insurance spokesperson are you? Let us know in the comments below.

Daniel Wesley founded , where it’s the thought that counts.

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