The Noob’s Guide to Cooking like a Chef

There’s something that’s almost zen-like about cooking on a lazy Sunday afternoon. For that 45 minutes that you’re cutting, chopping, frying and trying to not kill yourself, you truly get to see a side of yourself you haven’t been in touch with for years.

Then again, most of us can’t boil a cup of water on a good day. Whipping up a feast isn’t a skill we could throw in our resume. Well, that’s because most of us never try.

Take it from me — I’ve managed to convince most people who’ve tasted my food that I’m a master of spices… the Lord of Flavors… King of Curries… And honesty, I don’t have the slightest idea of what I do every time.

You can’t really learn a bunch of tips and fool the world every day, but if you want to be the Sunday Chef — the guy who walks into the kitchen one day of the week, makes magic, and lives through the other 6 days in that glory — take my hand and follow my steps.

Step 1: Think up what you want to cook.

Close your eyes and visualize this dish. Imagine its flavors, taste and richness.

Your final output will be nothing like this.

Step 2: Salvage what ingredients you can.

Just worry about the basics. If you’re a carnivore, choose Chicken. If you’re a veggie, put your trust on potatoes. You can’t fuck up potato.

Step 3: Get onions.

What do you mean you don’t have onions? Cooking without onions is like swimming without water. GO GET FUCKING ONIONS.

Step 4: Dice these guys.

The way you chop up your onions says a lot about your character. Your onions should look machine cut, beautiful little pieces that glisten like Edward Cullen from Twilight.

If you plan on throwing your onions up in the air and slashing your Katana through them, don’t. You could get hurt.

Step 5: Saute onions.

More shitty foods have been saved by perfectly sauted onions than you can imagine.

Your onions should finally look golden brown. Too pale, and you’ll have onion breath for the rest of the day. Too brown, and you’re screwed.

See cooking is all about timing. Timing, and throwing ingredients into the pot and furiously tossing them around. Always works.

Step 6: If it’s not in the cupboard, Innovate.

Of course, you don’t have basil and beets and spices and shit. But you DO have SOMETHING? Use it wisely. After all, how different could cooking wine and whiskey be…

See, most edible stuff have flavor. If eating something doesn’t kill you, it’s probably good enough to go into your dish. Just remember — no matter how crazy something is, if it can go down your esophagus and not burn through it, somebody somewhere has a cuisine around it.

Step 7: If it’s IN your cupboard, Innovate.

See something interesting in the cupboard? Put it in. Lemon juice, beer, corn flakes, bacon, strange animals… How do you think our ancestors figured out what foods to eat and what not to? It’s all trial and error…

Step 8: Use tomatoes wisely.

Tomatoes can give a certain “acidic” flavor to your food, make it a bit sweet, make it tangy, give it a nice color… I don’t know why we don’t just eat tomato flavored tomatoes with tomato filling!

Step 9: Be wary of the salt.

If you add too little, that’s ok. If you add too much, your food ends up tasting like the ocean and that’s never a good thing.

Step 10: Add some cream on top.

Looks good, tastes good. Just shut up and throw a tin of cream in.

Step 11: Dress it up.

You should find some garden variety leaves in your refrigerator. Throw a few pieces on top, put your stew in a nice bowl and you’re good to go.

If it’s whiter than it should be, and stuck on the bottom of your fridge it’s probably fungus. You shouldn’t eat that.

It’s all about the personality

Good dishes have flavor. Great dishes have personality. Remember that your concoction is so unique it will probably never exist again. Nobody — not even you — can repeat the same random mixes in the same random order.

Bonus tips: Here are a few things that can make or break your little kitchen experiment.

Capsicum: Great flavor, but too much and the bitch ends up owning your dish. You want to be careful here.

Tamarind: If you’re making any curry, it’s GOT to have tamarind. But avoid paring this guy with tomatoes — both of them (roughly) do the same thing, and end up fighting with each other for attention.

Peppers: Coarse pepper on top of ANYTHING is just magical. I once had pepper on my ice cream and even that was awesome. Especially if you’re having guests over, spice it up enough to start a forest fire.

Lentils: Indian food MUST have lentils. Fry them up, grind them, powder them, boil them, throw them into the mix. You just NEED them.

Cardamom, Cloves, Giner, that big smelly leaf: Great if you have them around. But nobody died because they didn’t have a smelly leaf in their lunch box — so don’t fret too much.

Garlic and vinegar (actually garlicy paste with ANYTHING): Add enough to ward off vampires, and your dish will win the next MasterChef Whereveryouare.

Oil: Why use oil when you can fake richness with butter?! Fry stuff in butter, roast them in butter, butter them in butter… Do it every day, and your heart will catch up eventually. Do this one day a month and you’ll have a rich overpowering taste that can make most mistakes seem ok.