The belief in God
“God : ɡɒd/
Noun
1. (in Christianity and other monotheistic religions) the creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority; the supreme being.
2. (in certain other religions) a superhuman being or spirit worshipped as having power over nature or human fortunes; a deity.”
This is the google suggestion for God. I thought about him as the same, the supreme moral authority, but earlier? It was a different story altogether.
I was a highly devoted person a year or two before; now? I still believe in a higher spiritual self but with a different perspective. Well I can credit myself much thought because the concept of God was sewn into my mind from an early childhood. Did I believe it? Surely, I put all my faith but I couldn’t see the results. So here is a cyclic relation of my believing in God from the early childhood doubting God, existence and my own faith with unreligious confidence.
I am a Hindu girl brought up to worship 32 crores of deities. I was rather spell-bounded with the large numbers, their stories and of course rituals. We have an amazing history of Gods, their actions, the rituals behind doing a prayer particular way.
The temples, the bells, the belief system and every other thing related to religion. I truly respect every religion, what do they say,
“All but one!”
so what went wrong? Why knowing everything couldn’t satiate my thirst to feel more spiritual? Why couldn’t I convince my mind about accepting things as they were? Well everything needs to be logical? Isn’t that the way of accepting things? To be rationale and believe on proofs! And what about heart? Do the arguments claimed by heart have any significance? Well there begin a quest to know deeply what I wanted to know about religion and its importance in my as well as others life.
My mother used to prompt us (me and my siblings) to chant prayers before going to play out, in morning, in evenings, before going to bed, after rising. There was I encountering with Gods nearly the whole day. We were told God was there to answer us. He stays in our heart and wants our true faith. But when I asked questions there were no answers, no justifications.
Why things happened the way they were, too went unanswered.
Why the things I wanted, took so long?
Was I praying for my materialistic longings?
Sometimes… but what about the bad things that kept happening even though I was praying every day?
I was acknowledging his presence with goodness I could find but he was not there; wherever I looked.
World was definitely not a fair system nor did my God answer me or my prayers. I was growing up, maturing and started looking for rational answers. I became angry at him. I became atheist. I didn’t want a support system of some unknown who couldn’t answer me.
But I was wrong, when I felt all alone, I couldn’t muster courage, guess whom did I turn to? Obviously God, wasn’t he my savior? I fought with my feelings about God but I felt assured when I had spoken to him. In my silent prayers, whenever something bad happened I turned to him. Not for proofs but just for reassurance. Someone was listening to me. That was all I needed, to be listened to and a sense of completeness followed me. I now accepted him in such form. May be God didn’t answer or completed your wishes. He was just listening to you.
Was it enough? No, the beliefs still had flaws. I believed in a God, a god with an ear but what next?
I didn’t like praying and performing rituals as once I loved to. Lighting oil lamps, burning incense sticks, praying with folded hands but I was grateful of whatever I had. So I was not following to pray like I should. That didn’t deteriorate my God. God doesn’t need a format to pray. I was happy and my belief too. Then hell broke loose. I started drifting from the support system again. I was becoming more logical. Why would I want an unsupported system to believe about something that my mind answers? Was I becoming devilish? No but the lack of proof was the reason. I hated people for their absolute faith. Yea, I laughed over this silly thing called faith. Months passed, I had stopped talking to my own beliefs. I lost all contact with the spiritual self that was my God to me.
Then I was alone but I had everything. I had good circle of friends, family, and a good life. But this sense of incompleteness knocked me down. I couldn’t find peace in things that were right. Was I overthinking? Was my non-belief system was the cause? I guess it was. But God to me was not a form of figure or image who could tolerate my childishness. I thought nonsense. I was all cluttered inside. I needed to declutter myself and then I hit upon the fact,
“God is not in the idols, nor in cathedrals. He is in your heart, not in any form but in the silent prayers you offer yourself to reassure.”
May be that is an irrational statement, but it’s sort of Placebo Effect, but it works wonder. I would not go to extremes to treat my god or belief system but there was my God waiting for me. Not to acknowledge him but to believe sometimes. The confidence, that flourishes in your mind with a small gesture of acceptance. It is surely unquestioned. Humans need someone, greater than their own self to guide them to do things, or to simply carry on in this unfair world. And that’s how I became a believer in a true self to which you can question and get reassured like there is the God I was waiting for.
